My Journey to (and from?) Puerto Rico

I've spent much of my life moving around, physically, and spiritually.

1976 I was born in North Dakota, moved immediately to Spain, then Maine, and Arizona (living in a total of 11 places before graduating high school in 1994). Growing up, my closest friends and family were Methodist, Mormon, Catholic, Jehovah's Witness, and 7th Day Adventist. It was confusing, but I was sure faith in God was important.

1995 In the first year after high school I lived in a couple different apartments before moving from Arizona to Seattle.

1996 During my one year in Seattle, I lived in no less than 6 locations, then took off to travel the United States for about 5 years. Three of those years were with a Christian organization that turned out to be very cult-like. The next two years were a roller coaster ride of rebellion and trying to return to God.

In 2001 I tried to settle down in Seattle, but that led to Hawaii, which led to more traveling and avoiding God.

2002 Ended up in Colorado, battling my demons and reigniting my Christian faith with a house-church and an  Anabaptist fellowship (between at least 4 different locations).

Finally, in late 2003, I landed a stable job in North Dakota and spent time with Catholic, Pentecostal, Holdeman Mennonite, and Lutheran churches. I only lasted a couple of winters before driving back to the Arizona heat in 2005.

2006 I managed to live in 3 different places while completing a year of massage school in the Phoenix area, then moved to Tucson in 2007, had an emotional breakdown , and tried to take my own life in the beginning of 2008. :(

I went back to the Phoenix area for healing before decided to try Tucson again.

Finally!!!
I lived in Tucson, Arizona for almost 4 years, and only moved once!

It was amazing. I loved the feeling of semi-stability and community.

I attended a Greek Orthodox church, and gay/lesbian churches among others.

Yes, traveling is exhilarating and eye opening -- I learned so much about different American cultures and perspectives. I studied as many non-Christian religions as I could - wondering if I had missed something. I talked to atheists, but ended up deciding I was probably agnostic, with a desire to fully believe in the Jesus I personally experienced (if only I didn't have so many doubts). I learned not to worry about things like money and schedules. I was able to help others in exchange for many of my needs being met, BUT traveling can also be exhausting and unpredictable.

Life, where ever you are, involves risk - and I experienced multiple tragedies and assaults. In 2012, the spiritual confusion and many traumas caught up with me. I had a second nervous breakdown and my body got very sick. My digestive system shut down. I developed asthma. Every single joint in my body hurt, and I was suicidal again. I ended up on disability and moved to live with my mom and step-dad in Oklahoma.

I spent 3 years in Oklahoma, working on my health and healing. <3

Part of that time was spent living out of my car (and a tent) to help with tornado relief work.

The drama and corruption of relief work was a bit more than I could handle at times. Between this and a rough break-up, I was suicidal again in 2013. After the 6th inpatient mental health treatment of my life, I realized Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) was working. Suicidal ideation disappeared from my life.

In 2015 I had the privilege of moving to Seattle to help one of my best friends while she recovered from cancer. It was a time of more growth and strengthening. I started making plans to get back to work and stop receiving disability. At the end of 2017 I was praying about what to do next, and where, when I received a call to spend 2 weeks doing hurricane relief work in Puerto Rico with an organization I had volunteered with in Oklahoma.

After 2 weeks in Puerto Rico, I was smitten.

I fell in love with the temperature, the ocean, the people.

I felt strongly that this could be the place for me to get back to full-time work.

The relief group I had reconnected with does incredible work and helps many people! Unfortunately, we didn't always see eye to eye on things. I stood up for ideals that are important to me, and that caused problems. Eventually I was told they were sending me back to the United States.

I felt God had brought me to the island, 
so I chose not to use my return ticket back to the US.

I was sure things would fall into place!

Probably a little too sure.

In my pride, I wanted to prove I could be successful without them.

2018 - I found volunteer work at a hostel, where I lived for a couple months until the party atmosphere became way too intense for me. I started attending a church, where a sweet couple let me stay with them until other arrangements could be made - I told them it would just be a couple of days. I was volunteering here and there with many different individuals and groups, but after months of the typical drama and red-tape within relief work, I was still at a dead end. I would soon need to find another place to live. In Washington, I had been trying to get out of debt. Now my credit card was maxed out again.

After weeks of frustration, I was finally able to sell my old car in Seattle for $4,000 and buy a used 4X4 in Puerto Rico for the same amount. Now I could reach families in remote mountain locations who are still in need of help. Of course, the first time I took my new (used) car in to a mechanic, I was told that it needed thousands of dollars worth of work done before it would truly be reliable.

Two days ago, I thought I had found the answer to my prayers - a free Certified Emergency Response Training (CERT) course with a Christian organization. Not only would I learn the skills, but I would become a certified trainer, so I could offer these skills to others on the island! On the first day, we prayed, worshiped, and studied together. It was great! I was challenged by their more charismatic belief systems, but determined I could learn from them. Besides, I don't judge people for being different than me.

I love living out of a car when I'm traveling. It's like having a tiny home on wheels. Since the classes were 1/2 hour from my temporary home-base, I slept in my car that first night. I didn't want to waste gas money, or risk more wear and tear on the car.

There was more charismatic prayer the next day, and then we covered CPR, but the pain in my joints made it almost impossible for me to pass the class. I felt like a disappointment. Afterwards, I was asked not to sleep in my car near their dorms anymore, for security reasons. I understood completely, but couldn't think of another safe place to park and sleep.

That was it. The straw that broke the camel's back. I thought about every failure. Every person who told me I couldn't make it. I thought about not having a place to live, not having a place to volunteer, and about all my spiritual confusion. I had failed again. I couldn't even provide CPR to a dying person. Maybe others had been right: I'm hopeless and probably going to hell. What made me think I could succeed? I came to a hurting island in order to serve, but instead became a burden. The people here don't need one more person to take care of. What good is a life that is not led by spiritual peace and victory with God? Yesterday, for the first time in 5 years, death seemed like the smartest option.

The wonderful people from the CERT school tried to help get me into a hospital, but there weren't beds available, so I was driven back to San Juan to sleep for the night. No more classes for me.

And today? Today I am listening to inspirational music. Countless people have been praying for me. I have help in searching for housing options. At least one person is sure I need to go back to Oklahoma for more stability and personal healing. Others are sure I still have a purpose here in Puerto Rico. Everyone agrees that I have a purpose somewhere on this Earth. I am at a loss.

I repent for wanting to give up, but also recognize that PTSD and other mental illness symptoms can rear their ugly heads after years of healing, just like physical illness can. It doesn't have to mean my story is over. My prayers feel pretty weak, but I am praying in faith anyway. I shut out the voices that still tell me I'm a hopeless case. I pray for those who have tried to break me. I forgive them. I pray for their spiritual growth and peace, just as I pray for mine. I choose to believe in forgiveness for myself. I choose to believe it is possible for God to love even me. 

Someone recently pointed out to me that Jesus spent 30 years learning and living a human life before He started His travels. The Israelites spent 40 years in the wilderness. I don't know what my mission is. I have ideas about what I want it to be, but clearly I have more to learn and overcome. I'm tired of waiting, but I dare not to complain, whether this is a small bump in the road or a complete u-turn. I am sad and terrified, but I must choose trust and hope. Again.

I thank God for good lessons that come out of difficult situations.

I thank God for the strengths He has given me and pray for grace to use them better.

Love Sandwich

Pieces of my life are challenging, but I never want to come across as complaining. I want to be open about the difficult things as well as the blessings, sharing hope and celebration more than anything.

Someone once suggested to me that children should be encouraged twice for every correction given, so they realize the potential for growth without feeling overwhelmed and discouraged.

Later, another person said that adults receive bad news better when shared in between good news. They called it a "love sandwich" - like wrapping difficult ideas in a hug.

**LOVE**

I am thankful for all the people here in Puerto Rico who are working so hard at rebuilding since the hurricanes - individuals & communities who have weathered so much w/resiliency & strength, as as those who were not  personally affected , but have sacrificed and gone out of their way to help.

**Physical Illness**

I continue to feel random pain from the area of my right kidney, and now also feel pain that resembles a UTI. I've been trying to get into a urologist for over a week, but am having trouble with my new healthcare. I was assigned to a doctor's office that doesn't exist, showed up to an appointment at a new office, asked to come back later for a referral, returned another day and was told my information had disappeared. I will try again next week. Frustrating, but not an impossible situation. I'm mostly sad to be missing out on volunteer opportunities.

**LOVE**

I'm incredibly thankful my new health insurance has covered 2 ER visits and medications (including pain meds). I try not to use the pain meds until the pain reaches a level that makes walking difficult, and that only been the case a handful of days over the last 2 weeks. I'm thankful to know I should be able to see a specialist soon, I have prayer and support from loved ones, and many other blessings in life. It may not seem like I am "thriving", but I am immensely grateful to be surviving - no longer overwhelmed with the desire to leave this life. I am now determined to fight for life (my own and the lives of others).

We may feel powerless against the darkness, pain, and suffering of this world, but every time we choose to move towards the Light, and let that Light shine through us, we help one another. In the moments when I feel week, I am thankful for the grace of God and strength of fellowship that can pull me through. In the moments when I feel strong, I am grateful for the potential of being used by God to help make a difference for others.

Why, "Waiting on Faith"?

WAIT: look forward expectantly
WAIT: be still & ready
WAIT: attend as a servant

There is a lot of talk about waiting on God. I love the idea of sitting quietly, surrounded by nature, and listening for a still, small voice to speak to me - but I can't live every day like that.

Waiting, for me, has also come to mean serving. When you go to a restaurant, do you want your waiter to sit and stare until you ask them for something or would you rather have someone make sure your needs are met - "wait" on you?

With all the uncertainties in life, I have tried stubbornly refusing to act until I had everything I thought I needed. No more! Now, I intend to live my life with both patient reflection and unstoppable, sacrificial action!

Greetings from Puerto Rico!

For those who have been following my recent technological challenges on Facebook:

The iPhone6 is officially emptied of all information and has been reset.
The iPhone5 appears to be working properly and has almost all information recovered. I have accepted that one special voice memo is likely lost forever, but choose to see this as a reminder that the most valuable things in life are intangible and eternal.

I am considering the idea of using Facebook as a place to briefly check in with people, but saving longer posts for this blog and bulk information posts for this blog.

I know some friends and family like the idea of a non-Facebook way for them to follow my journey (since they refuse to join). I'm sure there are others who would follow my journey less because they prefer to use Facebook alone. No major decisions have been made yet - just letting everyone know my thought processes. Feel free to comment below. :)

Thoughts on Wikileaks

Richard Morgan posted a blog,  which I partially love and partially.... Well... don't love.

Here are some of my favorite parts:

Imagine for a moment that you know a man who beats his wife.

Beats his wife, has beaten her for years.  Puts her in hospital on a regular basis.  Breaks bones, lacerates flesh, damages internal organs.  He has never been prosecuted for these offences because he is a powerful man locally, and you both live within a culture which takes such things for granted.

Then imagine that you meet him one day down the local pub and find he is complaining bitterly that one of his wife’s female friends has started talking badly about him around town.  ...he cries into his fifteenth pint.  “Doesn’t she get that she’s poisoning our marriage; that she’s going to put our happy home at risk.”

Congratulations – you have now reached approximately the state of disbelief I’m in as I listen to the US state and its asshole apologists whine about how Wiki-leaks is putting lives at risk.

I’m sorry, US State Department, British Foreign Office, can we just back up a bit here? I need to clarify terms a little.  Putting lives at risk, you say?

What, you mean in the same way that conducting an illegal invasion of a sovereign nation in search of weapons of mass destruction for which there was no evidence put lives at risk (when it wasn’t merely snuffing said lives out by the thousand)?  You mean in the same way that incompetent bombing of Afghan villages, wedding parties and miscellaneous shepherds put lives at risk? The way in which scooping up a random assortment of human beings and detaining them against every law there is for years at a time put lives at risk? The way in which grabbing citizens with names you don’t like off the streets of Canada, Germany and Italy and flying them out to fuckwit totalitarian regimes for interrogation put lives at risk? The way acting as paymaster and approving sponsor for an unending succession of bloody-handed despots across the geo-political landscape for the last several decades put lives at risk? The way training up the best and the brightest of the world’s torturers and political murderers for the last half centuryput lives at risk? Putting lives at risk in that sense, you mean?

Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfils the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.” - Winston Churchill

Me: So, he believes Wiki-leaks is good? Many supporters of Assange say that no lives are truly at risk here, and that these threats are meant to scare us and keep us from getting on the government for it's pervasive corruption. I don't know the truth of the matter, but I think the arguments are interesting.

Here is one response to Morgan's blog that stood out to me:

I broadly agree, but just want to play devil’s advocate…

So there’s a man and woman who get boozed up and beat their kids. A concerned social worker emails his boss, says “these people are fuckwits, but if we tread carefully we can get them straightened out, and avoid having to tear the family apart, which is really no good for anyone”. That email goes public, the couple go batshit. They refuse to let social worker into their home, beat their kids even more, and start building an arsenal of home made weaponry to defend themselves from evil officialdom.

So, Wiki-leaks is bad?

A response to that:

"Governments may be broken beyond repair."

According to the last statement, it doesn't matter if corrupt governments read the leaks because we aren't going to tread lightly in an effort to fix them. The family/government may have to be torn apart in order to save the children/citizens. So, Wiki-leaks is good?

Even so, you wouldn't announce to a family, "Hey, we think you're beyond repair and we are going to take you down" before you were ready to act on that statement would you? You would want to make sure that you were ready first and didn't give them time to hide or respond preemptively. Is there room for governments to be manipulative and secretive - keeping their enemies closer than their friends so that they can watch and then attack at the best moment? If so, Wiki-leaks might be bad.

As with most topics (though not all) I fall in the middle. I can't take either side with full confidence. It seems to be a complex issue that doesn't fit into a neat little box of "right" or "wrong".

For the full blog and responses, go here: 

http://www.richardkmorgan.com/news/680/you-believe-this-shit/

more about my friend sarah

less than a month ago, i wrote about sarah, a friend of mine who died of cancer. today, i received a letter from her husband detailing the miracle and joy of her last moments with us. she wanted to tell the world how she was feeling, so i want to help her in that quest:

"Hello everyone. I have been thinking for a while about recording some things about my wife,especially in her last days here on earth, for a little while now. In thinking about it, I have realized that she would probably want me to share a few things, and that is why I am going to make this effort.

In the email I sent out just after her death, I touched very briefly on some of the events, but too briefly, I think, to give people an understanding of them from a distance.

First of all, there was a lot of hope for a healing from God that surrounded those last weeks. Sara had felt from the beginning that she was given a choice,between life and death, and she felt God was asking her to choose life. Amen. I don't feel in any way like God has let us down, though some things we asked for were not apparently manifest in the physical realm.

As her condition worsened, it began to weigh heavily on me to talk with her about the possibility of dying. I felt like we were walking a fine line,between "being of faith" and accepting what was happening and preparing for it.

She was diagnosed terminal April 25, and died on May 17, and during that time things went badly for her health very quickly. She lost all strength. Parts of her were rail thin and other part were swollen. In her last week, she had to be helped from bed, and came to the point where she could not hold her head up while I carried her. I tell you this to help you understand, and I cannot tell the half of it.

It was sometimes shocking for people when they came to see her. BUT throughout all this she was always kind and considerate of others. My mother observed how she would always make her small efforts to acknowledge others and make them feel comfortable. I am struggling a bit for the words to capture the essence of who she was at this time, and I may be unable to do it entirely.

In her last week, she and I began to speak about her death. She was losing strength so fast that talking was often an effort, and we could only do so at select times. I became alert to the timing of things, so that we could say what was needed while she still could.

It was in my heart to help her with all of this and I wanted her to be able to talk through anything that was difficult for her. With this in mind, I asked her some questions about how she was feeling spiritually etc. I asked her "how do you feel about God, now that you have become so sick?"

She was quiet, and then spoke, I had to put my ear by her mouth to hear her words: "I gave my life to Him, and I trust Him." Wow. I could see then that there was not much "counseling" needed!

She had had a dream a couple of months before, in which she was being chased by some men, and was desperately looking for a way to escape them. In the dream, she could not find a way, and so, having no other choice, she turned and looked at one of the men. As she looked, some horns grew out of his head. She said, "are you the devil?", and the man, looking somewhat on the spot, said "well, yes". She felt suddenly unafraid, and said "get OUT of here!", and the man, no longer scary to her, turned and hightailed it away.

This dream was knocking around sort of uninterpreted for a while. I never thought the cancer was "the devil", and I knew the dream was significant, but knew not what it meant. One night, in the last week of her time here, I was lying in bed and it occurred to me that "the devil" was trying to frighten her and shake her and make her lose her trust and faith in her God, and when she recognized his devices, she sent him running!

(I realized this interpretation after she was having lots of success with this). I hopped out of bed and told her the interpretation and she smiled and said "that's beautiful".

We talked, in the last days, about it being ok to just settle into the arms of Jesus, and not to try to stay alive by your own efforts. If God would heal, He would do it of His own power, and she did not need to try with Him. She was only getting sicker. I began to hope for her that she could go in the night. I would look over and hope that one time I would see that she had stopped breathing. That sounds strange to say, but these situations can bring these thoughts up, and I wanted the best for her. I could never have imagined what did happen, it was better than my imagination tends to be.

On the 15th, she began to seem "confused", is the only, but lacking, way I can describe it. She was talking with her mother and sister and I, and was asking us "OK, so, I'm dying, right? Is that right?" And she was behaving differently. I think the weight of her mortality was beginning to weigh on her that morning. We comforted her, and I told her that yes, it appears that you are dying, honey, and it may not be long now. (the hospice nurse had actually thought she might die the previous week).

In the early afternoon, she became very disturbed about it. She seemed to have some kind of panic, and felt unable to breathe. I came into the room (the nurse and her sister were already with her) and she was almost sitting up in bed kind of grabbing for me and saying "Help me, I can't breathe, help me, can you here me?" (that was very strange. I was right there and she was asking if I could here her. It was like she was in a fog or a cloud and was not sure if we could hear her).

The nurse put morphine under her tongue to help her breathing relax and we all tried to calm her down. Her breathing got better right away. But Sara was troubled. We sat with her and listened as she kept repeating "I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm dying". She was not always making sense, to me at least, and it seemed like her mortality was really crashing in on her. Everything she would say she would repeat three times, and she was continually dabbing at her mouth with a tissue. She reminded me of an elderly person suffering from senility at this point.

I do not remember everything, but I know at one point I thought "this might really not be good for me to see" (as far as my faith in God remaining) because things seemed so cruel and senseless, as my dear wife seemed to be coming undone in her death and no help was seen on the horizon. I considered very briefly leaving the room for my own sake but I put that thought away and stayed to help her. She was like this for maybe more than 30 minutes. And then her help came!

It was as if she had been passing through a deep fog, and could not see or understand any of it; and then as sure as a fog has an edge and an end to it, she passed out of it and into another world, which may be this world if we could see it, I know not. But sure as day, she came out of that fog and all of a sudden lifted her hands and said "it's wonderful, wonderful, it's WONDERFUL!!"

Now this part will doubtless be the most difficult to describe. I have said that she had seemed like a senile elderly person; now she appeared to me as a six year old child. She was absolutely overcome with joy. She rejoiced and clapped her hands. She played little games like a child. We sang songs; "this little light of mine" and "spring up oh well". Her spirit was totally contagious, and caused me to rejoice along with her. She was completely lucid and said things such as "now I KNOW! now I UNDERSTAND! God is GOOD, He is so GOOD, we have to tell the world, the whole WORLD has to know!" (this is why I am writing this).

We talked about our children and their births, and about our marriage, and she rejoiced over it all. All shadows were gone for her. She would talk about God and say "He's GREAT!" with a gigantic toothy grin. A little part of me was watching, to see if she would slip back into any confusion, and I want to tell you that the was NO CONFUSION left for her. Every moment, every word she spoke and every expression and movement was total peace and joy. And so much LIFE in it all.

It is impossible to record or even remember the entirety of it, as she continued with us like this for over an hour I think, and every movement spoke volumes as to her state of joy. Her mother and sister were there, as well as Tamima, Jeremiah's wife. They can tell you too.

Just on the physical level, what we saw was an absolute miracle, because as I have said, she had been almost unable to speak more that a few words for days, and now she was a bubbling stream, and was gesturing with her arms as well.

After a while, her eyes began to grow heavy, and she went to sleep while I stroked her head. She slept for the better part of 38 hours, and then she left the body behind her. She did wake up and spend about 30 minutes with me at one point, which I will not go into much, except to say that she was happy and that I will remember that time forever, as long as my memory lasts.

She passed on at 5:30 a.m. on the 17th, with her mother and I holding her hands and commending her to God. Sara, may you rest in perfect peace, I know you do. Thank you Jesus for my wife. Amen.

please feel free to share this testimony of Goodness with any.

love Julian."

belief

anyone who knows me understands that spirituality is a big part of my life. at least, i desire it to be a big part of my life. over the years i have faced a lot of confusion and fear because of my experiences with many churches and people that have different beliefs and ideals. at times, this has become so overwhelming that it seemed easier not to care. i wanted to give up and just "live life" rather than sort through the unending questions in my head. trying to figure out what i believe (what "Truth" is) has been so daunting, that i had to "let go and let God". just live and trust that He would guide me if I sought Him in my daily activities.

over the last year, i've been going to a lutheran church in tempe and really enjoying the people i've met. they are a very supportive, encouraging, and fun group of people. i've never felt that i fit in doctrinally though. i am not lutheran. a couple times, i tried to look for other churches, but it wasn't easy since i don't know exactly what i DO believe.

recently, some of my daily activities and regular life circumstances have brought up key questions regarding my faith and beliefs. i don't think i've handled all the challenges perfectly, but i have felt God pushing me and helping me to stand up and face the issues. i'm nervous, confused, and a bit scared, but i trust God. there are many forms of spiritual practice in the world - lots of them within the Christian community itself. some life choices cause a very real separation between people who don't agree with eachother. i don't look forward to taking a stand on certian beliefs, but i can't run from my fears and confusion any more either.

God help me! i'm so thankful that i can have peace in the midst of this, knowing that He hears my prayers and is ever present to guide me.

"losing my religion" - REM

Life is bigger It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough

I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

Every whisper
Of every waking hour I'm
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up

Consider this, consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I've said too much

I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

my first tattoo!!

here is a pic of my first tattoo! it's on my low back. it's the hebrew word "shalom", artisticly drawn so that it says "peace" in english at the same time. there is a crown of thorns around it to remind me of Christ and there are tribal flowers... well, cuz they're pretty. :) more pics to come!

i don't hate mondays.

of course it's a holiday today, but when a person loves their job, their friends, their family, and their God - what's to hate about any day? tomorrow i'll hate that my mom, stepdad, and lil bro are going home. but i have memories of grad night, swim parties, and more to keep me going. i got to see pinback in concert with my brothers' tonight and the soreness in my legs from dancing again should be great reminders of fun times. :)

any of you who are into prayer, please say at least a short one for a dear friend of mine. she has been struggling with many difficult things but is beginning to see God working in her life. i know how easy it can be to get confused and distracted spiritually, and i don't want her to have to go through that.

grad night

what a day/night/morning! they all kinda blur into one.

so, it's 7 am and i just got home. where to start the story telling? let's try 2 days ago. my sister and i meet for lunch, and she heads to a table full of people. i'm confused, thinking we should get the empty one right in front of us. as we approach, the people at the table turn around - it's my mom, step-dad, and lil bro (shawn) who surprised me by flying in from oklahoma!!

fast forward to last night - grad night. the ceremony was short and sweet. i had tons of family and friends around, including one of my best friends from high school that i haven't hung out with since... high school?!

afterwards, a bunch of my classmates, friends, and family members all headed to a house where most of us got on board an amazing party bus. loud music, empty jacuzzi that was great for dancing, and tons o crazy fun all the way to a couple party spots in scottsdale. i drank lots of red bull and socko, and we danced all night long. i got "talked to" for dancing on one of the tables. oops. :)

after 2 am, we went back to the house, chilled to lots of great music, had jacuzzi time, and talked till... well, just now.

Bible study in 2 hours, but at this point, i think a nap would just make me more groggy. this is the stuff memories are made of!

post-script: after writing my blog, i sat on the couch, fell asleep, and missed Bible study... doh!

late night simplicity

saturday was my last day of school - yeah!!! i was so excited, smiling from ear to ear, squelling and skipping my way to the car.

somewhere within, i'm still excited, but for now it just feels good to "be". i'm not working yet. i'm catching up on some house-cleaning, preparing to dive back into the world of "invisible children", and relaxing. i'm looking for work, so i'll be super-busy again soon enough. i'm good at filling my life w/lots of things. it's nice to take a small break. my activities for now? doing massage for friends and family, a week-long temp job for a chiropractor, taking a trip to north dakota, parties, netflix movies, catching up on the local music scene, church activities, working on my AA steps, and putting myself to bed right now :)

happpy endings

the last bit of time for my friend sarah has been hard. difficulty breathing, talking, etcetera. i hope she wouldn't mind if i tell you just a small portion of her day yesterday. after much time struggling, she seemed to get an incredible amount of strength. she started singing and praising God. she said, "i understand now. He is so good. we have to tell the world." after singing joyfully for a good while and talking with loved ones, she fell asleep. and stayed asleep.

today, my dear friend in arkansas passed on.

when i was first told, i kind of went numb. i had a final to prepare for and didn't know how to process the news. rather than try, i stayed on the internet leaving funny comments on myspace pages. then, all at once, it hit me. i cried and cried. i couldn't study. i could just pray and cry some more. i pulled myself together and made it to school, only to get there and start crying again. sigh... there are many beautiful people at the arizona school of massage therapy. they gave me tissue, shoulders, and encouraging words.

i finally found the strength to take my final. as we prepared for the hands-on testing, i realized that this would be the very last time any of us would lay on a massage table, undressing under a sheet in a classroom full of people, to be a "client" for fellow classmates. tomorrow will be our last class, and this weekend we will work our last clinical internship. at the graduation ceremony, we will say many goodbyes. a bitter-sweet ending.

my brother just wrote a blog about the end of his tour with invisible children. soon, i will be exhausted and ready to lay in bed. the end of a day. as i do, i will put in a great cd (something like silas maybe) and listen to many songs as they begin and end. this life is filled with beginnings and endings. i am envious of sarah. she has the most incredible new beginning. every day, every moment, every ending, i can choose a wonderful new beginning. "His mercies are new every morning." and i'm sure they are new at all the points in between as well.

saying hello to goodbye

wasn't it just yesterday that i said i would try to shorten my blog entries? i guess some things deserve more than a quick glance. a very dear friend of mine has been fighting death for quite some time. many have believed that she would make it, and some still do. miracles can happen, but just hours ago she seemed all too close to moving on from this life.

this has caused me to reflect deeply on my relationship with her, God, and life in general. you see, i made HUGE mistakes in my life a few years back. these mistakes cost me the friendship of many people, including her. i have since turned, repented, and sought God to restore and heal my life, but i never took the time to rebuild this particular friendship. i am sure she has forgiven me, but we never had the chance to reunite. it is not something i can pity myself for. i know that i was focusing on important things over the past few years. by God's mercy i grew spirtitually, but i was not able to (and never will be able to) restore my life completely. i will forever live with certain consequences.

so, what can i do? pray that my friend knows how much i love her. pray that, if possible, i can visit her as soon as school gets out. and recognize that today and every day we all have choices. any of us could face death at any moment. i cannot take life and opportunity for granted. i must love freely and completely. i must make the most of every moment, choice, action, and relationship before me.

there are moments in life when we seem to find clarity and a sense of enlightenment. there have been times when i wished these moments would last forever, but i don't think that is their purpose. it makes more sense that we arrive at certain heights of understanding purely to get us through the depths and difficulties of life. rather than take these revelations for granted, we are allowed to return to the routine of daily life, distracted from our emotional experience and the knowledge gained. i don't like the idea of forgetting, but it provides many opportunities to seek God anew in time of need. it is an incredible reminder of our human frailty.

in tears, hope, sorrow, and joy,
carrie

blog, blog, blog...

"2 FINALS DOWN, 2 TO GO! TALLY-HO! ON I GO!"
graduation, here i come...

i could easily leave another 4 paragraphs here, but i've come to realize that most people probably don't visit my blog with the time and energy to read a mini-novel. it may be quite helpful for me to release long-winded, stream-of-consciousness ramblings, but i don't think this is the place for that. i am going to make an effort to leave more thought out and concise reflections in the future. mostly. we'll see. ;)

my prayer for the evening: a visit to arkansas? what about colorado? God, i need wisdom while trying to make future plans and decisions for daily life. please guide me to fulfilling employment opportunities after graduation. i pray Your love and presence would be undeniable in the lives of those i know who are suffering from addiction, injury, and pain of all kinds. thank you for lovely family members and friends. thank you for inspiring, enlivening, and rockin' music! AMEN!

current playlist (updated 11:30 am 5-15-06)

at one point, i had an extensive music collection. as the story commonly goes, it was all stolen. sigh... here is what i have been slowly collecting since newest additions:

jenni alpert <> cord of 3 strands <> john coltrane <> the cranberries <> cross movement <> dance floor prophets <> bob dylan <> laura gibson <> kieth green <> sara groves <> andy hunter <> jars of clay <> london philharmonic orchestra <> matisyahu <> new kids on the block <> gbenga owoeye-wise <> jean philippe <> plumb <> robbie seay band <> sixpence none the richer <> something like silas <> mindy smith <> third day <> this holiday life <> thrice <> traveler <> u2 <> derek webb <> denison witmer <>

itunes wishlist (updated 8:30 pm 5-13-06)

i can't afford to get every song/artist/music style that i would like to have all at once, so this is my way of reminding myself which ones to look up as i have the money. i'll probably be adding to and taking from this list as things come to mind and i am able to purchase them. it's written in no particular order. go ahead - laugh at some of these. i get sentimental and cheesy sometimes. :) oh,and give any suggestions you have. what do you think i'll like that i don't have here? tip: i love most ALL styles but am particular about lyrical content (inspiring, purposeful, and not against my Christian ideals). as you can see from the list below, i find music to love in many places.

jim croce ** steven stills ** neil young ** cat stevens ** johnny cash ** grateful dead ** LOTS of 70's stuff ** depeche mode ** the cure ** lots of 80's new wave ** "rush rush" paula abdul ** blind melon ** primus ** toad the wet sprocket ** billie holiday ** lots of jazz, blues, and swing ** classical ** rennaisance ** ethnic/world/cultural Christian praise ** ska ** punk ** country ** "young love" the judds ** "long black train" ** u2 ** evanescence ** authority zero ** jimmy eat world ** techno ** gothic ** chant ** garden state ** the apostle soundtrack ** fairfield 4 ** five iron frenzy ** handel's messiah ** john michael talbot ** rich mullins ** matrix soundtrack ** moby ** radiohead "kid a" ** bluegrass ** ella fitzgerald ** edie brickell ** suzanne vega ** sunny day real estate ** elliot smith ** simon and garfunkel ** pink floyd ** alice in chains ** stone temple pilots ** nirvana ** singles soundtrack ** maire brennan (enya's christian sister) ** tracy chapman ** counting crows ** janes addiction ** cindi lauper "time after time" "true colors" ** van morrison ** pearl jam ** r.e.m. ** mazzy star "fade into you" ** portishead "sour times ** stevie wonder ** jewel ** bjork ** aphex twin ** alanis morisette ** linkin park ** staind ** lifehouse ** crash test dummies "mmm mmm mmm mmm" ** holly dunn "daddy's hands" ** green day "welcome to paradise" ** nine inch nails ** 10,000 maniacs "these are days" ** ghoti hook ** dolly parton "coat of many colors" ** ben harper ** ani difranco ** XTC "the ballad of peter pumpkinhead" ** Op Ivy "take warning" ** sublime "date rape" ** red hot chili peppers ** coldplay ** dctalk "what if i stumble" ** chris rice ** jennifer knapp ** burlap to cashmere ** rachel lampa ** jackie velasquez ** sara groves ** relient k ** kutlass ** blindside ** newsboys ** toby mac ** ramones ** rockabilly ** mars ill ** sting ** metallica ** rage against the machine ** utah phillips ** the casey neil trio ** earth first cd ** siouxsie & the banshees **

here's music i can't get on itunes that i'd still like to track down somehow:

naomi psalm ** building 5 ** ballydowse ** songs from the brothers and sisters (marcy, lazarus, david, lou) ** d'veykus ** heather bishop "bellybutton" ** xeta/zeta (sp?) **

ignatious & the davinci code

yeah for being inspired to deeper thought! now, if i could only understand it. ;)

i absolutely love to study apologetics and early Christianity. years ago, i spent a lot of time buried in books trying to devour as much information as i possibly could. i did the same with other subjects like politics and social justice, holistic medicine, and sustainability. after forsaking all my possessions and previous ideals to travel with the brothers and sisters (a nomadic church group in the u.s.), i really felt like my brain just short-circuited. i had gained so much understanding that i just didn't know how to process it all. i wrote about this in my very first blog here. ask me questions on these subjects that i love, but unless i have had a recent run-in w/that particular topic, i probably won't be able to recall the answer. start talking about them, and i'll follow you easily. it starts coming back as soon as i re-immerse myself, but it is often quite frustrating.

have i mentioned john, my greek orthodox friend before? we have been talking online for a while now and i really enjoy our conversations. lately, it's not very often that i meet other "young" people - i'll be 30 this year! :) - who enjoy talking about apologetics and early Christianity. he has encouraged me to begin studying and reading again, but i just haven't felt i had the time. the other day he suggested reading ignatious, whose letters are short and much faster to get through.

i tried taking his advice and found the writings of ignatious online yesterday. i started by reading the introduction placed by the website and never got past that. as i read about all the debate behind trying to prove which letters are truly authentic and in which form they are actually authentic, i quickly fell back into mental exhaustion. this is something i would love to tackle one day, but i suppose it will have to wait until i can devote more hours to studying. even now i sigh at the thought of trying to remember and understand how it is we have come to feel we can trust the history and writings of our faith. there are many opinions worthy of considering, and many that are not.

for instance, i was recently having a conversation with someone about all the silliness surrounding the davinci code. it is clear to me that this is a work of fiction not even slightly troubling to my faith. i have no reason to boycott the movie and draw more attention to it.
there is a story in the Bible of a time when the disciples were before a court, charged with heresy and disrupting the public. one smart man stood up and said that they should let the disciples go. if what they were preaching was heresy, it would prove itself wrong and fall apart quickly. if it was truly of God, who were they to condemn it? i feel the same way about this movie. why make such a big deal? speak the Truth simply and plainly. it will defend itself. God cannot be overcome by hollywood.

(wish i were) deep in thought...

lately, my life seems to happen around me. i get to run like a cat chasing it's tail trying to keep up. :) even relaxing time with friends must be scheduled in to my date book and is often spent trying not to think about all the other things going on in the world. when i can take a few moments to be inspired (by movies, thoughtful blogs, books, etcetera) i am just in awe. i feel i have just enough time to take these things in, but not to process it in such a way that i can begin intelectual and conscious dialoge about them. so, i thank you to all those who are doing that and allowing me the opportunity to live vicariously through the things you share. :)

there is no place for complaining in my life. i am more inspired and motivated than i have been in a long time. the gratitude i feel for all the incredible people and opportunities crossing my path is indescribable. i was finally able to watch the documentary, A Closer Walk, today and it fueled the momentum i have, reinforcing my passion to follow this path where-ever it may lead.

a HUGE "thank you!" to zach and holly for taking the time to share with us and listen. meeting new people, making connections on the most basic level - i believe that is one of the most powerful and profound things a person can experience. a great big hug to all the roadies, volunteers, and staff members at invisible children for being available to do all the great and small things that you do!! to all those who speak and move in such a way that the Love of Christ is screaming and beaming in your lives - you have my deepest, awe-inspired appreciation. it shows in the love letters tausha writes to God, in katie's stories of life experience, zach's commentaries on modern Christian culture, and just as clear in drew's tears as he tries to work through pain and confusion amongst hurt friends. i hear it loudly in the honesty of people struggling to do what is right in their lives or even know what is good. compassion, forgiveness, patience, determination, boldness, and self-sacrifice...

in all the horrors of this world, without the grace of God and the support we all bring eachother i don't know that i could see any hope at all. on top of that - you make it fun!! i am watching people laugh their way through recovery from addiction and abuse. we are singing and dancing in our fight for justice. not just a bunch of crazy kids, but inteligent, purposeful action. rock on!

GNC pics!!!

here's a couple pics. more on the way!

Global Night Commute

so, i never really wrote about that incredible night... i'm a little tired now and i've let some time slip, but i will try to recap as best i can.

mike, ryan, sean, and kevin (4 amazing boys from san diego) came in a couple days early to help out. their help, support, energy, and everything they brought with them was absolutely indespensible. the night would not have been the same without them!!

i'll put up pics later because it's difficult to describe the power of seeing 550 people sleeping on concrete in the middle of a city. we had volunteers running around in bright neon shirts that were a big hit that night (how many times did i have to say, "no, they're not for sale."?? - again pics later). people were playing music, lighting candles in the shape of a peace sign, and just getting to know eachother. walking around i heard people sharing stories of their faith, joys, sorrows, dreams, hobbies, and crazy antics.

across the world, including our group in az, about 60,000 letters were written to the president and will be hand delivered to him. about 60,000 other letters were collected to be given to the senators of the cities they were written in. about 60,000 pieces of art (made from poloroid pictures of participants surrounded by unique artistic expressions) were made to be put into a book. last i heard, the book(s) will be sold to raise money for the children of uganda. if i had only known i would have put a little more time into my tired crayon scribbling of random words.

we volunteers got no sleep that night. i tried "monster" energy drink for the first time. a few others stayed up, but most were priveleged to be woken at 5:30 to the sound of mike on the bullhorn - "good morning!" we took great footage for the film that is due to come out next year. INVISIBLE CHILDREN - watch for it in theaters.

all in all, a beautiful night. i night i will remember and cherish always. a night i may get to experience again because it looks like there will be another global night commute. for all the success of this one, we had very little media attention. the war in uganda rages on, and so will we!! :)