Aibonito Update #1

For those who missed it: I faced the most difficult emotions of the last 5 years just last week. I felt unable to discern direction from God, and it seemed my choices always left me feeling like more of a burden to the world than a help. That is terrible for someone whose greatest joy is to serve God and others.

I was contemplating leaving Puerto Rico (if not leaving Earth), but didn’t know what the smartest decisions would be. On my way to a friend’s house in the south of the island, I made a wrong turn and ended up in Aibonito (the highest mountain area of PR). I drove past a Mennonite Church, where a man with a guitar was walking in the front door, wondered if maybe my “wrong” turn was actually a divine and calculated response to recent prayers, and stopped (just in case).

It turns out that Mennonite Disaster Services can greatly use my help, there is a place for me to stay here, AND this is the center for the Mennonite hospital, which includes many physical and mental health specialists. I already have appointments set to meet new doctors this week.

I helped with a wedding my first day here (set-up, tear down, serving, cleaning, and entertaining children).

The plan this week is to help a class of 4 to 5 year olds during a rehabilitation program for children who have been through disasters. It was a profound day from the beginning, as these little minds expressed their concern that a hurricane might hit us again today. We explained it was just supposed to rain after all, and that we were in a safe/prepared place. We sang worship songs, made art, ate food, and watched a short play.

My head hurts from trying to understand and speak Spanish all day long. I still have a lot to learn, but it’s a joy, and the people around me seem very patient.

I haven’t moved all my stuff from the car into this new place yet. I’m not positive this is FOR SURE where I should stay, but it’s a strong possibility. I’ll take the next week to pray and see how things go.

Journey Update

I made it to a doctor's appointment today to get my psych prescriptions refilled, then picked up a referral to a urologist (in case I find a way to stay in Puerto Rico).

For now, I continue to look for either (A) a place near my doctor's offices in San Juan to sleep, while getting back on my feet, so I can volunteer more, or (B) a residential treatment center in the United States to live in while trying to cope with the overwhelming sense that I am a burden and harm to the world because I can't seem to discern, love, follow, and share God's Voice.

Last night was my last night in Miramar.

I will couch hop until Thursday, when I attempt to finalize paperwork for the used car I bought recently. By this weekend (depending on what happens between now and then), I will either be living in a new location on the island, trying to sell my car so I can leave the island, or simply leaving my car here while I return the mainland.

I am making the effort to praise God, despite feeling that my fears and failures are squeezing the life out of me. I am letting doubt, anxiety, confusion, and hopelessness know their presence is acknowledged, but unwelcome. I continue to hope for the miracle of grace, wisdom, strength, peace, and mercy in my life - despite feeling unworthy and incapable of fully embracing these gifts from God (the way I need and want to). I refuse to be like Job's wife - cursing God because of hardship. I believe God is good, whether or not I am.

My Journey to (and from?) Puerto Rico

I've spent much of my life moving around, physically, and spiritually.

1976 I was born in North Dakota, moved immediately to Spain, then Maine, and Arizona (living in a total of 11 places before graduating high school in 1994). Growing up, my closest friends and family were Methodist, Mormon, Catholic, Jehovah's Witness, and 7th Day Adventist. It was confusing, but I was sure faith in God was important.

1995 In the first year after high school I lived in a couple different apartments before moving from Arizona to Seattle.

1996 During my one year in Seattle, I lived in no less than 6 locations, then took off to travel the United States for about 5 years. Three of those years were with a Christian organization that turned out to be very cult-like. The next two years were a roller coaster ride of rebellion and trying to return to God.

In 2001 I tried to settle down in Seattle, but that led to Hawaii, which led to more traveling and avoiding God.

2002 Ended up in Colorado, battling my demons and reigniting my Christian faith with a house-church and an  Anabaptist fellowship (between at least 4 different locations).

Finally, in late 2003, I landed a stable job in North Dakota and spent time with Catholic, Pentecostal, Holdeman Mennonite, and Lutheran churches. I only lasted a couple of winters before driving back to the Arizona heat in 2005.

2006 I managed to live in 3 different places while completing a year of massage school in the Phoenix area, then moved to Tucson in 2007, had an emotional breakdown , and tried to take my own life in the beginning of 2008. :(

I went back to the Phoenix area for healing before decided to try Tucson again.

Finally!!!
I lived in Tucson, Arizona for almost 4 years, and only moved once!

It was amazing. I loved the feeling of semi-stability and community.

I attended a Greek Orthodox church, and gay/lesbian churches among others.

Yes, traveling is exhilarating and eye opening -- I learned so much about different American cultures and perspectives. I studied as many non-Christian religions as I could - wondering if I had missed something. I talked to atheists, but ended up deciding I was probably agnostic, with a desire to fully believe in the Jesus I personally experienced (if only I didn't have so many doubts). I learned not to worry about things like money and schedules. I was able to help others in exchange for many of my needs being met, BUT traveling can also be exhausting and unpredictable.

Life, where ever you are, involves risk - and I experienced multiple tragedies and assaults. In 2012, the spiritual confusion and many traumas caught up with me. I had a second nervous breakdown and my body got very sick. My digestive system shut down. I developed asthma. Every single joint in my body hurt, and I was suicidal again. I ended up on disability and moved to live with my mom and step-dad in Oklahoma.

I spent 3 years in Oklahoma, working on my health and healing. <3

Part of that time was spent living out of my car (and a tent) to help with tornado relief work.

The drama and corruption of relief work was a bit more than I could handle at times. Between this and a rough break-up, I was suicidal again in 2013. After the 6th inpatient mental health treatment of my life, I realized Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) was working. Suicidal ideation disappeared from my life.

In 2015 I had the privilege of moving to Seattle to help one of my best friends while she recovered from cancer. It was a time of more growth and strengthening. I started making plans to get back to work and stop receiving disability. At the end of 2017 I was praying about what to do next, and where, when I received a call to spend 2 weeks doing hurricane relief work in Puerto Rico with an organization I had volunteered with in Oklahoma.

After 2 weeks in Puerto Rico, I was smitten.

I fell in love with the temperature, the ocean, the people.

I felt strongly that this could be the place for me to get back to full-time work.

The relief group I had reconnected with does incredible work and helps many people! Unfortunately, we didn't always see eye to eye on things. I stood up for ideals that are important to me, and that caused problems. Eventually I was told they were sending me back to the United States.

I felt God had brought me to the island, 
so I chose not to use my return ticket back to the US.

I was sure things would fall into place!

Probably a little too sure.

In my pride, I wanted to prove I could be successful without them.

2018 - I found volunteer work at a hostel, where I lived for a couple months until the party atmosphere became way too intense for me. I started attending a church, where a sweet couple let me stay with them until other arrangements could be made - I told them it would just be a couple of days. I was volunteering here and there with many different individuals and groups, but after months of the typical drama and red-tape within relief work, I was still at a dead end. I would soon need to find another place to live. In Washington, I had been trying to get out of debt. Now my credit card was maxed out again.

After weeks of frustration, I was finally able to sell my old car in Seattle for $4,000 and buy a used 4X4 in Puerto Rico for the same amount. Now I could reach families in remote mountain locations who are still in need of help. Of course, the first time I took my new (used) car in to a mechanic, I was told that it needed thousands of dollars worth of work done before it would truly be reliable.

Two days ago, I thought I had found the answer to my prayers - a free Certified Emergency Response Training (CERT) course with a Christian organization. Not only would I learn the skills, but I would become a certified trainer, so I could offer these skills to others on the island! On the first day, we prayed, worshiped, and studied together. It was great! I was challenged by their more charismatic belief systems, but determined I could learn from them. Besides, I don't judge people for being different than me.

I love living out of a car when I'm traveling. It's like having a tiny home on wheels. Since the classes were 1/2 hour from my temporary home-base, I slept in my car that first night. I didn't want to waste gas money, or risk more wear and tear on the car.

There was more charismatic prayer the next day, and then we covered CPR, but the pain in my joints made it almost impossible for me to pass the class. I felt like a disappointment. Afterwards, I was asked not to sleep in my car near their dorms anymore, for security reasons. I understood completely, but couldn't think of another safe place to park and sleep.

That was it. The straw that broke the camel's back. I thought about every failure. Every person who told me I couldn't make it. I thought about not having a place to live, not having a place to volunteer, and about all my spiritual confusion. I had failed again. I couldn't even provide CPR to a dying person. Maybe others had been right: I'm hopeless and probably going to hell. What made me think I could succeed? I came to a hurting island in order to serve, but instead became a burden. The people here don't need one more person to take care of. What good is a life that is not led by spiritual peace and victory with God? Yesterday, for the first time in 5 years, death seemed like the smartest option.

The wonderful people from the CERT school tried to help get me into a hospital, but there weren't beds available, so I was driven back to San Juan to sleep for the night. No more classes for me.

And today? Today I am listening to inspirational music. Countless people have been praying for me. I have help in searching for housing options. At least one person is sure I need to go back to Oklahoma for more stability and personal healing. Others are sure I still have a purpose here in Puerto Rico. Everyone agrees that I have a purpose somewhere on this Earth. I am at a loss.

I repent for wanting to give up, but also recognize that PTSD and other mental illness symptoms can rear their ugly heads after years of healing, just like physical illness can. It doesn't have to mean my story is over. My prayers feel pretty weak, but I am praying in faith anyway. I shut out the voices that still tell me I'm a hopeless case. I pray for those who have tried to break me. I forgive them. I pray for their spiritual growth and peace, just as I pray for mine. I choose to believe in forgiveness for myself. I choose to believe it is possible for God to love even me. 

Someone recently pointed out to me that Jesus spent 30 years learning and living a human life before He started His travels. The Israelites spent 40 years in the wilderness. I don't know what my mission is. I have ideas about what I want it to be, but clearly I have more to learn and overcome. I'm tired of waiting, but I dare not to complain, whether this is a small bump in the road or a complete u-turn. I am sad and terrified, but I must choose trust and hope. Again.

I thank God for good lessons that come out of difficult situations.

I thank God for the strengths He has given me and pray for grace to use them better.

Love Sandwich

Pieces of my life are challenging, but I never want to come across as complaining. I want to be open about the difficult things as well as the blessings, sharing hope and celebration more than anything.

Someone once suggested to me that children should be encouraged twice for every correction given, so they realize the potential for growth without feeling overwhelmed and discouraged.

Later, another person said that adults receive bad news better when shared in between good news. They called it a "love sandwich" - like wrapping difficult ideas in a hug.

**LOVE**

I am thankful for all the people here in Puerto Rico who are working so hard at rebuilding since the hurricanes - individuals & communities who have weathered so much w/resiliency & strength, as as those who were not  personally affected , but have sacrificed and gone out of their way to help.

**Physical Illness**

I continue to feel random pain from the area of my right kidney, and now also feel pain that resembles a UTI. I've been trying to get into a urologist for over a week, but am having trouble with my new healthcare. I was assigned to a doctor's office that doesn't exist, showed up to an appointment at a new office, asked to come back later for a referral, returned another day and was told my information had disappeared. I will try again next week. Frustrating, but not an impossible situation. I'm mostly sad to be missing out on volunteer opportunities.

**LOVE**

I'm incredibly thankful my new health insurance has covered 2 ER visits and medications (including pain meds). I try not to use the pain meds until the pain reaches a level that makes walking difficult, and that only been the case a handful of days over the last 2 weeks. I'm thankful to know I should be able to see a specialist soon, I have prayer and support from loved ones, and many other blessings in life. It may not seem like I am "thriving", but I am immensely grateful to be surviving - no longer overwhelmed with the desire to leave this life. I am now determined to fight for life (my own and the lives of others).

We may feel powerless against the darkness, pain, and suffering of this world, but every time we choose to move towards the Light, and let that Light shine through us, we help one another. In the moments when I feel week, I am thankful for the grace of God and strength of fellowship that can pull me through. In the moments when I feel strong, I am grateful for the potential of being used by God to help make a difference for others.

Why, "Waiting on Faith"?

WAIT: look forward expectantly
WAIT: be still & ready
WAIT: attend as a servant

There is a lot of talk about waiting on God. I love the idea of sitting quietly, surrounded by nature, and listening for a still, small voice to speak to me - but I can't live every day like that.

Waiting, for me, has also come to mean serving. When you go to a restaurant, do you want your waiter to sit and stare until you ask them for something or would you rather have someone make sure your needs are met - "wait" on you?

With all the uncertainties in life, I have tried stubbornly refusing to act until I had everything I thought I needed. No more! Now, I intend to live my life with both patient reflection and unstoppable, sacrificial action!

Greetings from Puerto Rico!

For those who have been following my recent technological challenges on Facebook:

The iPhone6 is officially emptied of all information and has been reset.
The iPhone5 appears to be working properly and has almost all information recovered. I have accepted that one special voice memo is likely lost forever, but choose to see this as a reminder that the most valuable things in life are intangible and eternal.

I am considering the idea of using Facebook as a place to briefly check in with people, but saving longer posts for this blog and bulk information posts for this blog.

I know some friends and family like the idea of a non-Facebook way for them to follow my journey (since they refuse to join). I'm sure there are others who would follow my journey less because they prefer to use Facebook alone. No major decisions have been made yet - just letting everyone know my thought processes. Feel free to comment below. :)

Thoughts on Wikileaks

Richard Morgan posted a blog,  which I partially love and partially.... Well... don't love.

Here are some of my favorite parts:

Imagine for a moment that you know a man who beats his wife.

Beats his wife, has beaten her for years.  Puts her in hospital on a regular basis.  Breaks bones, lacerates flesh, damages internal organs.  He has never been prosecuted for these offences because he is a powerful man locally, and you both live within a culture which takes such things for granted.

Then imagine that you meet him one day down the local pub and find he is complaining bitterly that one of his wife’s female friends has started talking badly about him around town.  ...he cries into his fifteenth pint.  “Doesn’t she get that she’s poisoning our marriage; that she’s going to put our happy home at risk.”

Congratulations – you have now reached approximately the state of disbelief I’m in as I listen to the US state and its asshole apologists whine about how Wiki-leaks is putting lives at risk.

I’m sorry, US State Department, British Foreign Office, can we just back up a bit here? I need to clarify terms a little.  Putting lives at risk, you say?

What, you mean in the same way that conducting an illegal invasion of a sovereign nation in search of weapons of mass destruction for which there was no evidence put lives at risk (when it wasn’t merely snuffing said lives out by the thousand)?  You mean in the same way that incompetent bombing of Afghan villages, wedding parties and miscellaneous shepherds put lives at risk? The way in which scooping up a random assortment of human beings and detaining them against every law there is for years at a time put lives at risk? The way in which grabbing citizens with names you don’t like off the streets of Canada, Germany and Italy and flying them out to fuckwit totalitarian regimes for interrogation put lives at risk? The way acting as paymaster and approving sponsor for an unending succession of bloody-handed despots across the geo-political landscape for the last several decades put lives at risk? The way training up the best and the brightest of the world’s torturers and political murderers for the last half centuryput lives at risk? Putting lives at risk in that sense, you mean?

Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfils the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.” - Winston Churchill

Me: So, he believes Wiki-leaks is good? Many supporters of Assange say that no lives are truly at risk here, and that these threats are meant to scare us and keep us from getting on the government for it's pervasive corruption. I don't know the truth of the matter, but I think the arguments are interesting.

Here is one response to Morgan's blog that stood out to me:

I broadly agree, but just want to play devil’s advocate…

So there’s a man and woman who get boozed up and beat their kids. A concerned social worker emails his boss, says “these people are fuckwits, but if we tread carefully we can get them straightened out, and avoid having to tear the family apart, which is really no good for anyone”. That email goes public, the couple go batshit. They refuse to let social worker into their home, beat their kids even more, and start building an arsenal of home made weaponry to defend themselves from evil officialdom.

So, Wiki-leaks is bad?

A response to that:

"Governments may be broken beyond repair."

According to the last statement, it doesn't matter if corrupt governments read the leaks because we aren't going to tread lightly in an effort to fix them. The family/government may have to be torn apart in order to save the children/citizens. So, Wiki-leaks is good?

Even so, you wouldn't announce to a family, "Hey, we think you're beyond repair and we are going to take you down" before you were ready to act on that statement would you? You would want to make sure that you were ready first and didn't give them time to hide or respond preemptively. Is there room for governments to be manipulative and secretive - keeping their enemies closer than their friends so that they can watch and then attack at the best moment? If so, Wiki-leaks might be bad.

As with most topics (though not all) I fall in the middle. I can't take either side with full confidence. It seems to be a complex issue that doesn't fit into a neat little box of "right" or "wrong".

For the full blog and responses, go here: 

http://www.richardkmorgan.com/news/680/you-believe-this-shit/

more about my friend sarah

less than a month ago, i wrote about sarah, a friend of mine who died of cancer. today, i received a letter from her husband detailing the miracle and joy of her last moments with us. she wanted to tell the world how she was feeling, so i want to help her in that quest:

"Hello everyone. I have been thinking for a while about recording some things about my wife,especially in her last days here on earth, for a little while now. In thinking about it, I have realized that she would probably want me to share a few things, and that is why I am going to make this effort.

In the email I sent out just after her death, I touched very briefly on some of the events, but too briefly, I think, to give people an understanding of them from a distance.

First of all, there was a lot of hope for a healing from God that surrounded those last weeks. Sara had felt from the beginning that she was given a choice,between life and death, and she felt God was asking her to choose life. Amen. I don't feel in any way like God has let us down, though some things we asked for were not apparently manifest in the physical realm.

As her condition worsened, it began to weigh heavily on me to talk with her about the possibility of dying. I felt like we were walking a fine line,between "being of faith" and accepting what was happening and preparing for it.

She was diagnosed terminal April 25, and died on May 17, and during that time things went badly for her health very quickly. She lost all strength. Parts of her were rail thin and other part were swollen. In her last week, she had to be helped from bed, and came to the point where she could not hold her head up while I carried her. I tell you this to help you understand, and I cannot tell the half of it.

It was sometimes shocking for people when they came to see her. BUT throughout all this she was always kind and considerate of others. My mother observed how she would always make her small efforts to acknowledge others and make them feel comfortable. I am struggling a bit for the words to capture the essence of who she was at this time, and I may be unable to do it entirely.

In her last week, she and I began to speak about her death. She was losing strength so fast that talking was often an effort, and we could only do so at select times. I became alert to the timing of things, so that we could say what was needed while she still could.

It was in my heart to help her with all of this and I wanted her to be able to talk through anything that was difficult for her. With this in mind, I asked her some questions about how she was feeling spiritually etc. I asked her "how do you feel about God, now that you have become so sick?"

She was quiet, and then spoke, I had to put my ear by her mouth to hear her words: "I gave my life to Him, and I trust Him." Wow. I could see then that there was not much "counseling" needed!

She had had a dream a couple of months before, in which she was being chased by some men, and was desperately looking for a way to escape them. In the dream, she could not find a way, and so, having no other choice, she turned and looked at one of the men. As she looked, some horns grew out of his head. She said, "are you the devil?", and the man, looking somewhat on the spot, said "well, yes". She felt suddenly unafraid, and said "get OUT of here!", and the man, no longer scary to her, turned and hightailed it away.

This dream was knocking around sort of uninterpreted for a while. I never thought the cancer was "the devil", and I knew the dream was significant, but knew not what it meant. One night, in the last week of her time here, I was lying in bed and it occurred to me that "the devil" was trying to frighten her and shake her and make her lose her trust and faith in her God, and when she recognized his devices, she sent him running!

(I realized this interpretation after she was having lots of success with this). I hopped out of bed and told her the interpretation and she smiled and said "that's beautiful".

We talked, in the last days, about it being ok to just settle into the arms of Jesus, and not to try to stay alive by your own efforts. If God would heal, He would do it of His own power, and she did not need to try with Him. She was only getting sicker. I began to hope for her that she could go in the night. I would look over and hope that one time I would see that she had stopped breathing. That sounds strange to say, but these situations can bring these thoughts up, and I wanted the best for her. I could never have imagined what did happen, it was better than my imagination tends to be.

On the 15th, she began to seem "confused", is the only, but lacking, way I can describe it. She was talking with her mother and sister and I, and was asking us "OK, so, I'm dying, right? Is that right?" And she was behaving differently. I think the weight of her mortality was beginning to weigh on her that morning. We comforted her, and I told her that yes, it appears that you are dying, honey, and it may not be long now. (the hospice nurse had actually thought she might die the previous week).

In the early afternoon, she became very disturbed about it. She seemed to have some kind of panic, and felt unable to breathe. I came into the room (the nurse and her sister were already with her) and she was almost sitting up in bed kind of grabbing for me and saying "Help me, I can't breathe, help me, can you here me?" (that was very strange. I was right there and she was asking if I could here her. It was like she was in a fog or a cloud and was not sure if we could hear her).

The nurse put morphine under her tongue to help her breathing relax and we all tried to calm her down. Her breathing got better right away. But Sara was troubled. We sat with her and listened as she kept repeating "I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm dying". She was not always making sense, to me at least, and it seemed like her mortality was really crashing in on her. Everything she would say she would repeat three times, and she was continually dabbing at her mouth with a tissue. She reminded me of an elderly person suffering from senility at this point.

I do not remember everything, but I know at one point I thought "this might really not be good for me to see" (as far as my faith in God remaining) because things seemed so cruel and senseless, as my dear wife seemed to be coming undone in her death and no help was seen on the horizon. I considered very briefly leaving the room for my own sake but I put that thought away and stayed to help her. She was like this for maybe more than 30 minutes. And then her help came!

It was as if she had been passing through a deep fog, and could not see or understand any of it; and then as sure as a fog has an edge and an end to it, she passed out of it and into another world, which may be this world if we could see it, I know not. But sure as day, she came out of that fog and all of a sudden lifted her hands and said "it's wonderful, wonderful, it's WONDERFUL!!"

Now this part will doubtless be the most difficult to describe. I have said that she had seemed like a senile elderly person; now she appeared to me as a six year old child. She was absolutely overcome with joy. She rejoiced and clapped her hands. She played little games like a child. We sang songs; "this little light of mine" and "spring up oh well". Her spirit was totally contagious, and caused me to rejoice along with her. She was completely lucid and said things such as "now I KNOW! now I UNDERSTAND! God is GOOD, He is so GOOD, we have to tell the world, the whole WORLD has to know!" (this is why I am writing this).

We talked about our children and their births, and about our marriage, and she rejoiced over it all. All shadows were gone for her. She would talk about God and say "He's GREAT!" with a gigantic toothy grin. A little part of me was watching, to see if she would slip back into any confusion, and I want to tell you that the was NO CONFUSION left for her. Every moment, every word she spoke and every expression and movement was total peace and joy. And so much LIFE in it all.

It is impossible to record or even remember the entirety of it, as she continued with us like this for over an hour I think, and every movement spoke volumes as to her state of joy. Her mother and sister were there, as well as Tamima, Jeremiah's wife. They can tell you too.

Just on the physical level, what we saw was an absolute miracle, because as I have said, she had been almost unable to speak more that a few words for days, and now she was a bubbling stream, and was gesturing with her arms as well.

After a while, her eyes began to grow heavy, and she went to sleep while I stroked her head. She slept for the better part of 38 hours, and then she left the body behind her. She did wake up and spend about 30 minutes with me at one point, which I will not go into much, except to say that she was happy and that I will remember that time forever, as long as my memory lasts.

She passed on at 5:30 a.m. on the 17th, with her mother and I holding her hands and commending her to God. Sara, may you rest in perfect peace, I know you do. Thank you Jesus for my wife. Amen.

please feel free to share this testimony of Goodness with any.

love Julian."

belief

anyone who knows me understands that spirituality is a big part of my life. at least, i desire it to be a big part of my life. over the years i have faced a lot of confusion and fear because of my experiences with many churches and people that have different beliefs and ideals. at times, this has become so overwhelming that it seemed easier not to care. i wanted to give up and just "live life" rather than sort through the unending questions in my head. trying to figure out what i believe (what "Truth" is) has been so daunting, that i had to "let go and let God". just live and trust that He would guide me if I sought Him in my daily activities.

over the last year, i've been going to a lutheran church in tempe and really enjoying the people i've met. they are a very supportive, encouraging, and fun group of people. i've never felt that i fit in doctrinally though. i am not lutheran. a couple times, i tried to look for other churches, but it wasn't easy since i don't know exactly what i DO believe.

recently, some of my daily activities and regular life circumstances have brought up key questions regarding my faith and beliefs. i don't think i've handled all the challenges perfectly, but i have felt God pushing me and helping me to stand up and face the issues. i'm nervous, confused, and a bit scared, but i trust God. there are many forms of spiritual practice in the world - lots of them within the Christian community itself. some life choices cause a very real separation between people who don't agree with eachother. i don't look forward to taking a stand on certian beliefs, but i can't run from my fears and confusion any more either.

God help me! i'm so thankful that i can have peace in the midst of this, knowing that He hears my prayers and is ever present to guide me.

"losing my religion" - REM

Life is bigger It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough

I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

Every whisper
Of every waking hour I'm
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up

Consider this, consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I've said too much

I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

my first tattoo!!

here is a pic of my first tattoo! it's on my low back. it's the hebrew word "shalom", artisticly drawn so that it says "peace" in english at the same time. there is a crown of thorns around it to remind me of Christ and there are tribal flowers... well, cuz they're pretty. :) more pics to come!

i don't hate mondays.

of course it's a holiday today, but when a person loves their job, their friends, their family, and their God - what's to hate about any day? tomorrow i'll hate that my mom, stepdad, and lil bro are going home. but i have memories of grad night, swim parties, and more to keep me going. i got to see pinback in concert with my brothers' tonight and the soreness in my legs from dancing again should be great reminders of fun times. :)

any of you who are into prayer, please say at least a short one for a dear friend of mine. she has been struggling with many difficult things but is beginning to see God working in her life. i know how easy it can be to get confused and distracted spiritually, and i don't want her to have to go through that.

grad night

what a day/night/morning! they all kinda blur into one.

so, it's 7 am and i just got home. where to start the story telling? let's try 2 days ago. my sister and i meet for lunch, and she heads to a table full of people. i'm confused, thinking we should get the empty one right in front of us. as we approach, the people at the table turn around - it's my mom, step-dad, and lil bro (shawn) who surprised me by flying in from oklahoma!!

fast forward to last night - grad night. the ceremony was short and sweet. i had tons of family and friends around, including one of my best friends from high school that i haven't hung out with since... high school?!

afterwards, a bunch of my classmates, friends, and family members all headed to a house where most of us got on board an amazing party bus. loud music, empty jacuzzi that was great for dancing, and tons o crazy fun all the way to a couple party spots in scottsdale. i drank lots of red bull and socko, and we danced all night long. i got "talked to" for dancing on one of the tables. oops. :)

after 2 am, we went back to the house, chilled to lots of great music, had jacuzzi time, and talked till... well, just now.

Bible study in 2 hours, but at this point, i think a nap would just make me more groggy. this is the stuff memories are made of!

post-script: after writing my blog, i sat on the couch, fell asleep, and missed Bible study... doh!

late night simplicity

saturday was my last day of school - yeah!!! i was so excited, smiling from ear to ear, squelling and skipping my way to the car.

somewhere within, i'm still excited, but for now it just feels good to "be". i'm not working yet. i'm catching up on some house-cleaning, preparing to dive back into the world of "invisible children", and relaxing. i'm looking for work, so i'll be super-busy again soon enough. i'm good at filling my life w/lots of things. it's nice to take a small break. my activities for now? doing massage for friends and family, a week-long temp job for a chiropractor, taking a trip to north dakota, parties, netflix movies, catching up on the local music scene, church activities, working on my AA steps, and putting myself to bed right now :)

happpy endings

the last bit of time for my friend sarah has been hard. difficulty breathing, talking, etcetera. i hope she wouldn't mind if i tell you just a small portion of her day yesterday. after much time struggling, she seemed to get an incredible amount of strength. she started singing and praising God. she said, "i understand now. He is so good. we have to tell the world." after singing joyfully for a good while and talking with loved ones, she fell asleep. and stayed asleep.

today, my dear friend in arkansas passed on.

when i was first told, i kind of went numb. i had a final to prepare for and didn't know how to process the news. rather than try, i stayed on the internet leaving funny comments on myspace pages. then, all at once, it hit me. i cried and cried. i couldn't study. i could just pray and cry some more. i pulled myself together and made it to school, only to get there and start crying again. sigh... there are many beautiful people at the arizona school of massage therapy. they gave me tissue, shoulders, and encouraging words.

i finally found the strength to take my final. as we prepared for the hands-on testing, i realized that this would be the very last time any of us would lay on a massage table, undressing under a sheet in a classroom full of people, to be a "client" for fellow classmates. tomorrow will be our last class, and this weekend we will work our last clinical internship. at the graduation ceremony, we will say many goodbyes. a bitter-sweet ending.

my brother just wrote a blog about the end of his tour with invisible children. soon, i will be exhausted and ready to lay in bed. the end of a day. as i do, i will put in a great cd (something like silas maybe) and listen to many songs as they begin and end. this life is filled with beginnings and endings. i am envious of sarah. she has the most incredible new beginning. every day, every moment, every ending, i can choose a wonderful new beginning. "His mercies are new every morning." and i'm sure they are new at all the points in between as well.

saying hello to goodbye

wasn't it just yesterday that i said i would try to shorten my blog entries? i guess some things deserve more than a quick glance. a very dear friend of mine has been fighting death for quite some time. many have believed that she would make it, and some still do. miracles can happen, but just hours ago she seemed all too close to moving on from this life.

this has caused me to reflect deeply on my relationship with her, God, and life in general. you see, i made HUGE mistakes in my life a few years back. these mistakes cost me the friendship of many people, including her. i have since turned, repented, and sought God to restore and heal my life, but i never took the time to rebuild this particular friendship. i am sure she has forgiven me, but we never had the chance to reunite. it is not something i can pity myself for. i know that i was focusing on important things over the past few years. by God's mercy i grew spirtitually, but i was not able to (and never will be able to) restore my life completely. i will forever live with certain consequences.

so, what can i do? pray that my friend knows how much i love her. pray that, if possible, i can visit her as soon as school gets out. and recognize that today and every day we all have choices. any of us could face death at any moment. i cannot take life and opportunity for granted. i must love freely and completely. i must make the most of every moment, choice, action, and relationship before me.

there are moments in life when we seem to find clarity and a sense of enlightenment. there have been times when i wished these moments would last forever, but i don't think that is their purpose. it makes more sense that we arrive at certain heights of understanding purely to get us through the depths and difficulties of life. rather than take these revelations for granted, we are allowed to return to the routine of daily life, distracted from our emotional experience and the knowledge gained. i don't like the idea of forgetting, but it provides many opportunities to seek God anew in time of need. it is an incredible reminder of our human frailty.

in tears, hope, sorrow, and joy,
carrie

blog, blog, blog...

"2 FINALS DOWN, 2 TO GO! TALLY-HO! ON I GO!"
graduation, here i come...

i could easily leave another 4 paragraphs here, but i've come to realize that most people probably don't visit my blog with the time and energy to read a mini-novel. it may be quite helpful for me to release long-winded, stream-of-consciousness ramblings, but i don't think this is the place for that. i am going to make an effort to leave more thought out and concise reflections in the future. mostly. we'll see. ;)

my prayer for the evening: a visit to arkansas? what about colorado? God, i need wisdom while trying to make future plans and decisions for daily life. please guide me to fulfilling employment opportunities after graduation. i pray Your love and presence would be undeniable in the lives of those i know who are suffering from addiction, injury, and pain of all kinds. thank you for lovely family members and friends. thank you for inspiring, enlivening, and rockin' music! AMEN!

current playlist (updated 11:30 am 5-15-06)

at one point, i had an extensive music collection. as the story commonly goes, it was all stolen. sigh... here is what i have been slowly collecting since newest additions:

jenni alpert <> cord of 3 strands <> john coltrane <> the cranberries <> cross movement <> dance floor prophets <> bob dylan <> laura gibson <> kieth green <> sara groves <> andy hunter <> jars of clay <> london philharmonic orchestra <> matisyahu <> new kids on the block <> gbenga owoeye-wise <> jean philippe <> plumb <> robbie seay band <> sixpence none the richer <> something like silas <> mindy smith <> third day <> this holiday life <> thrice <> traveler <> u2 <> derek webb <> denison witmer <>

itunes wishlist (updated 8:30 pm 5-13-06)

i can't afford to get every song/artist/music style that i would like to have all at once, so this is my way of reminding myself which ones to look up as i have the money. i'll probably be adding to and taking from this list as things come to mind and i am able to purchase them. it's written in no particular order. go ahead - laugh at some of these. i get sentimental and cheesy sometimes. :) oh,and give any suggestions you have. what do you think i'll like that i don't have here? tip: i love most ALL styles but am particular about lyrical content (inspiring, purposeful, and not against my Christian ideals). as you can see from the list below, i find music to love in many places.

jim croce ** steven stills ** neil young ** cat stevens ** johnny cash ** grateful dead ** LOTS of 70's stuff ** depeche mode ** the cure ** lots of 80's new wave ** "rush rush" paula abdul ** blind melon ** primus ** toad the wet sprocket ** billie holiday ** lots of jazz, blues, and swing ** classical ** rennaisance ** ethnic/world/cultural Christian praise ** ska ** punk ** country ** "young love" the judds ** "long black train" ** u2 ** evanescence ** authority zero ** jimmy eat world ** techno ** gothic ** chant ** garden state ** the apostle soundtrack ** fairfield 4 ** five iron frenzy ** handel's messiah ** john michael talbot ** rich mullins ** matrix soundtrack ** moby ** radiohead "kid a" ** bluegrass ** ella fitzgerald ** edie brickell ** suzanne vega ** sunny day real estate ** elliot smith ** simon and garfunkel ** pink floyd ** alice in chains ** stone temple pilots ** nirvana ** singles soundtrack ** maire brennan (enya's christian sister) ** tracy chapman ** counting crows ** janes addiction ** cindi lauper "time after time" "true colors" ** van morrison ** pearl jam ** r.e.m. ** mazzy star "fade into you" ** portishead "sour times ** stevie wonder ** jewel ** bjork ** aphex twin ** alanis morisette ** linkin park ** staind ** lifehouse ** crash test dummies "mmm mmm mmm mmm" ** holly dunn "daddy's hands" ** green day "welcome to paradise" ** nine inch nails ** 10,000 maniacs "these are days" ** ghoti hook ** dolly parton "coat of many colors" ** ben harper ** ani difranco ** XTC "the ballad of peter pumpkinhead" ** Op Ivy "take warning" ** sublime "date rape" ** red hot chili peppers ** coldplay ** dctalk "what if i stumble" ** chris rice ** jennifer knapp ** burlap to cashmere ** rachel lampa ** jackie velasquez ** sara groves ** relient k ** kutlass ** blindside ** newsboys ** toby mac ** ramones ** rockabilly ** mars ill ** sting ** metallica ** rage against the machine ** utah phillips ** the casey neil trio ** earth first cd ** siouxsie & the banshees **

here's music i can't get on itunes that i'd still like to track down somehow:

naomi psalm ** building 5 ** ballydowse ** songs from the brothers and sisters (marcy, lazarus, david, lou) ** d'veykus ** heather bishop "bellybutton" ** xeta/zeta (sp?) **

ignatious & the davinci code

yeah for being inspired to deeper thought! now, if i could only understand it. ;)

i absolutely love to study apologetics and early Christianity. years ago, i spent a lot of time buried in books trying to devour as much information as i possibly could. i did the same with other subjects like politics and social justice, holistic medicine, and sustainability. after forsaking all my possessions and previous ideals to travel with the brothers and sisters (a nomadic church group in the u.s.), i really felt like my brain just short-circuited. i had gained so much understanding that i just didn't know how to process it all. i wrote about this in my very first blog here. ask me questions on these subjects that i love, but unless i have had a recent run-in w/that particular topic, i probably won't be able to recall the answer. start talking about them, and i'll follow you easily. it starts coming back as soon as i re-immerse myself, but it is often quite frustrating.

have i mentioned john, my greek orthodox friend before? we have been talking online for a while now and i really enjoy our conversations. lately, it's not very often that i meet other "young" people - i'll be 30 this year! :) - who enjoy talking about apologetics and early Christianity. he has encouraged me to begin studying and reading again, but i just haven't felt i had the time. the other day he suggested reading ignatious, whose letters are short and much faster to get through.

i tried taking his advice and found the writings of ignatious online yesterday. i started by reading the introduction placed by the website and never got past that. as i read about all the debate behind trying to prove which letters are truly authentic and in which form they are actually authentic, i quickly fell back into mental exhaustion. this is something i would love to tackle one day, but i suppose it will have to wait until i can devote more hours to studying. even now i sigh at the thought of trying to remember and understand how it is we have come to feel we can trust the history and writings of our faith. there are many opinions worthy of considering, and many that are not.

for instance, i was recently having a conversation with someone about all the silliness surrounding the davinci code. it is clear to me that this is a work of fiction not even slightly troubling to my faith. i have no reason to boycott the movie and draw more attention to it.
there is a story in the Bible of a time when the disciples were before a court, charged with heresy and disrupting the public. one smart man stood up and said that they should let the disciples go. if what they were preaching was heresy, it would prove itself wrong and fall apart quickly. if it was truly of God, who were they to condemn it? i feel the same way about this movie. why make such a big deal? speak the Truth simply and plainly. it will defend itself. God cannot be overcome by hollywood.

(wish i were) deep in thought...

lately, my life seems to happen around me. i get to run like a cat chasing it's tail trying to keep up. :) even relaxing time with friends must be scheduled in to my date book and is often spent trying not to think about all the other things going on in the world. when i can take a few moments to be inspired (by movies, thoughtful blogs, books, etcetera) i am just in awe. i feel i have just enough time to take these things in, but not to process it in such a way that i can begin intelectual and conscious dialoge about them. so, i thank you to all those who are doing that and allowing me the opportunity to live vicariously through the things you share. :)

there is no place for complaining in my life. i am more inspired and motivated than i have been in a long time. the gratitude i feel for all the incredible people and opportunities crossing my path is indescribable. i was finally able to watch the documentary, A Closer Walk, today and it fueled the momentum i have, reinforcing my passion to follow this path where-ever it may lead.

a HUGE "thank you!" to zach and holly for taking the time to share with us and listen. meeting new people, making connections on the most basic level - i believe that is one of the most powerful and profound things a person can experience. a great big hug to all the roadies, volunteers, and staff members at invisible children for being available to do all the great and small things that you do!! to all those who speak and move in such a way that the Love of Christ is screaming and beaming in your lives - you have my deepest, awe-inspired appreciation. it shows in the love letters tausha writes to God, in katie's stories of life experience, zach's commentaries on modern Christian culture, and just as clear in drew's tears as he tries to work through pain and confusion amongst hurt friends. i hear it loudly in the honesty of people struggling to do what is right in their lives or even know what is good. compassion, forgiveness, patience, determination, boldness, and self-sacrifice...

in all the horrors of this world, without the grace of God and the support we all bring eachother i don't know that i could see any hope at all. on top of that - you make it fun!! i am watching people laugh their way through recovery from addiction and abuse. we are singing and dancing in our fight for justice. not just a bunch of crazy kids, but inteligent, purposeful action. rock on!

GNC pics!!!

here's a couple pics. more on the way!

Global Night Commute

so, i never really wrote about that incredible night... i'm a little tired now and i've let some time slip, but i will try to recap as best i can.

mike, ryan, sean, and kevin (4 amazing boys from san diego) came in a couple days early to help out. their help, support, energy, and everything they brought with them was absolutely indespensible. the night would not have been the same without them!!

i'll put up pics later because it's difficult to describe the power of seeing 550 people sleeping on concrete in the middle of a city. we had volunteers running around in bright neon shirts that were a big hit that night (how many times did i have to say, "no, they're not for sale."?? - again pics later). people were playing music, lighting candles in the shape of a peace sign, and just getting to know eachother. walking around i heard people sharing stories of their faith, joys, sorrows, dreams, hobbies, and crazy antics.

across the world, including our group in az, about 60,000 letters were written to the president and will be hand delivered to him. about 60,000 other letters were collected to be given to the senators of the cities they were written in. about 60,000 pieces of art (made from poloroid pictures of participants surrounded by unique artistic expressions) were made to be put into a book. last i heard, the book(s) will be sold to raise money for the children of uganda. if i had only known i would have put a little more time into my tired crayon scribbling of random words.

we volunteers got no sleep that night. i tried "monster" energy drink for the first time. a few others stayed up, but most were priveleged to be woken at 5:30 to the sound of mike on the bullhorn - "good morning!" we took great footage for the film that is due to come out next year. INVISIBLE CHILDREN - watch for it in theaters.

all in all, a beautiful night. i night i will remember and cherish always. a night i may get to experience again because it looks like there will be another global night commute. for all the success of this one, we had very little media attention. the war in uganda rages on, and so will we!! :)

fortune cookies and more...

Live every single day.
Grace for the moment.
Unleash the untamed faith within.
True wealth is the ability to let go of your possesions.
One who speaks the Truth shall go, but the Truth (s)he speaks shall not.
Your strength is in how calmly, quietly, and peacefully you face life.
Your word is your greatest power.
He who is the best teacher is the best student.
Love always protects, trusts, hopes, perserveres.
The invisible war - satan, demons, and spiritual warfare...
Am i therefore your enemy because i tell you the Truth?

These are some of the quotes on my "God box", sitting next to my computer. A reminder to me that the busy-ness and unanswered questions in life are but a distraction from all i could have through devoted contemplation of God.

behind door # 1...

where will my path lead? there are so many options. which will i choose? which will choose me?

there is so much going on right now. i'm preparing for finals, moving out of my house, and making plans for the rest of my life. at the very least, i need to take the first post-school steps. my dream right now is to work with the Invisible Children program. i am so inspired by the movement and the people behind it. as lauren hill once said, "you inspire me, to be the higher me." i draw close to God and see opportunity to fulfill the vision He has given me - to work with children (and adults) who suffer from injury, disability, disease; to work with women in pregnancy and labor; to travel to 3rd world countries and serve the poor; to use my organizational and networking skills with others who have a similar vision; to love, serve, and live for my God!!

here's where i am struggling. to paraphrase a dear friend, "Each of you, my friends, knows a slightly different Carrie. It is a terrible trap in which I am caught, that your knowing me would define me." i have been told *1* "how is it that you are always smiling?!" and *2* "you need to smile more." within the space of an hour. some people know me as an outgoing, bouncy, uncontained, and passionate person. others see someone who takes the back seat and watches what happens around them, filling in the gaps where action is necessary and not being made.

when i am driven, i often find an unending source of confidence and boldness within. this is the smiling and zany Carrie that many know. being around others who have this same energy is motivating and refreshing. it helps to fuel my zeal all the more. yet, there are times when i am around people that i perceive to have more energy and passion than myself, that i find myself appreciative, humbled, and withdrawn. i believe that at Invisible Children, they need and desire to work with people who are the former. unfortunately, while working with people from the I.C. office for the Global Night Commute, i tended to be the latter.

until recently, i have been content to seek God for greater confidence and emotional security at His pace. i thank Him that my passion for this opportunity is pushing me to jump right out of my comfort zone --- this whole matter is really quite silly. why be so concerned about how others perceive me? i know who i am before God. there are many in my life who appreciate me in all my silliness. it would be wonderful to impress others and fit in everywhere i'd like, but i must rest in the thought that, as i seek God, i am where i should be. no need to be insecure about insecurities. :)

if i can best serve Him at invisible children, then i am sure God will provide a way. otherwise, the world is full of a vast array of opportunities. in my selfishness i cry "please, God..." and then, "Thy will be done."

some of the children i work with...

David, Hope, Grace, Faith, Jeremiah

(and Grandma Phyllis)

sooooo excited!

the launch party was a hit! we had so much fun dancing, singing, and making art for the children!

now Oprah has done a show on the children! the response was so huge that the main website had trouble handling all the response.

we are having one last big screening here in phoenix before the commute. stop by Alleluia Lutheran Church @1034 S Mill Ave in Tempe (across from Gammage Auditorium). We will show a 1/2 hour family friendly version at 7 PM, and the full length version @ 8 PM.

The Global Night Commute is at the Windsor Century Plaza from 7 PM Saturday to 7 AM Sunday!!!! Check out http://www.invisiblechildren or http://www.myspace.com/icphoenix for more info!!

Launch Partee!!

We're hosting an Invisible Children Launch Party at 3 Roots Cafe tonight in downtown Tempe. 1020 S. Mill Ave, just 2 blocks south of University, across from Gammage Auditorium.

We will have DJ's spinning house music, african drumming, live art from the alpha monster art collective, a t-shirt making booth, discounts on espresso drinks, and of course, a free screening of the movie "Invisible Children".

The fun starts at 7 PM, so come join us and bring your friends. See ya there!

graduation!!

my last day of classes is may 18th - just 4 weeks away. yippee!!!

the plan, at this point, is to visit my dad in north dakota for his birthday, and meet friends in july for the rainbow gathering (a big group of hippies that meet in the woods someplace every fourth of july). we usually go to the "christian" camp and are able to reach out to souls there. i'm considering staying in colorado after that and trying to get started in massage and midwivery there. God only knows what will truly end up happeneing. i have all sorts of grandiose ideas that i would like to see come through. like a trip to san diego, oklahoma, hawaii, and arkansas. sigh... still got that travel bug in me.

anyway, it's off to the gym for me!

quick update

since the last time i posted here, much has happened. go figure. it's been a year.

i have read and re-read the following brief synopsis of the last year and am unsure of what i think. in the past i have been told that i am too open with people. i freely share my struggles. hopefully that doesn't come across as too negative. to be sure, God and the assurance found in Him is greater than any trial i (or anyone) could every face. so, please, read the frustrations detailed in the first paragraph with the knowledge that i didn't have at the time i was facing them - i made it through and am all the better for it. let's just pray i've learned some of these lessons well enough that i can move on, leaving these well behind.

i had a wonderful journey to arizona and made it safely,but the truck that i picked up in oregon broke down shortly after arriving. my purse was stolen. i discovered that full time work while going to school is not easy. i lost a job. my music was stolen. i lost my place to live (and the internet access that came with it). i had a very difficult time finding good fellowship and a church to attend. i realized that my struggle not to drink (and do the stupid things that come with unsobriety) is too difficult without help. i joined alcoholics anonymous.

that stuff out of the way, it has been a GREAT GREAT year!! i have made many wonderful new friends, reconnected with missed friends and family members, discovered that i love massage and can do well in school, have seen God provide for me when the going was rough, and am now working 2 jobs with families that i love. i have found the strength to be sober (what peace and joy!). i have found a wonderful church where i have grown spiritually. i have been used to help others struggling in this crazy thing called life. and i am finally back online. yippee!!! any questions?

a day in the life...

day in my life? wow. about now, my days are crazy busy to say the least. let's see...

WEEKDAYS:

7 am wake up, say a short prayer, read if i'm disciplined enough, get ready for the day.

8 am two days a week i go to they gym. 3 days a week i meet a friend for Bible study and accountability.

9 am drive a fair distance to work.

10 to 4 work with one of 2 wonderful families that have many children (some w/disabilities). drive a fair distance home.

5 pm home for supper. change for school. do homework & study if i have time.

7 to 10:30 pm attend massage school (love it!).

11 pm home. crash into bed. say a short prayer. read if i can muster the strength and brain/will power.

WEEKENDS:

saturday - bible study 9 - 11 am. school for internship shift from 12:30-6 pm.

sunday - school to receive a massage at 7:30 am (takes 2 hours. first come, first serve). church 11 to 1 pm. alcoholics anonymous 7 pm.

FREE TIME? a couple hours each friday, saturday, and sunday. these are !quickly! filled with friends, family, chiropractic appointments, and my work with the Invisible Children.

thank God that i love the many people and things keeping my life busy!

http://www.invisiblechildren.com - check it out.

hiney...

"hiney" prounounced hee-nay, NOT hi-nee :)
means "behold" in hebrew.

there is a song going through my head a lot lately that i learned from a jewish singing group called d'veykus. they have a number of incredible albums out with lyrics that touch the soul. one of them is translated into this:

behold the days shall come, that i will send a famine in the land.
not a famine of bread, nor a thirst for water,
but of hearing the words of the Lord.

today was a challenging day at work. the news was playing reports of a shooting at a school in minnesota. the life of terry shaivo is still in the hands of the government. a co-worker became so overwhelmed with life that she left work, at her wits end, just moments after our shift started. she has probably lost her job. i work with very fragile and severely disabled adults, but even they seemed to be especially disturbed today. there were "behaviours", illnesses, and accidents galore (all while we were short-staffed due to the breakdown of our friend).

i could go on and on with a list of all the troubles around me... but that would be fruitless. what i am learning to do is to keep my eyes on the Lord. earlier this morning, i thought i was having a bad day because i found out that financial aid will not cover $3,000 of my schooling expenses. i know that i will not qualify for a loan, and no-one in my immediate family can help me out there... but, God was quick to show me that there is no room for complaining in my life! He has blessed me so abundantly!

my family may not be full of the richest or most financially sound people in the world, but i have an amazing emotional support network. i may not be able to save the life of terry shaivo, but i can pray for her and her loved ones, and trust that there is a merciful and loving God who wants us all to remember that real and abundant life begins after this one ends. i could be angry at the young man who shot and killed so many just a state away from here, but instead i am moved to compassion for all youth that are struggling without the type of family and love that i know.

it is my blessed privelege and responsibility to maintain a positive attitude, pray, walk in confidence, and act with as much conviction and strength as possible. becoming overwhelmed, depressed, or letting anger control my thoughts and actions would help no-one. in fact, i believe it would make problems much, much worse. i am not silly enough to believe that i am super-woman, with emotions of steel, and energy that just won't quit (in fact, i am known for being exactly the opposite)... but i am already seeing the evidence of the grace and provision that is available to me when i drop to my knees, throw my hands in the air, and trust in the saving and sustaining power of Jesus.

all in all, my day at work turned out to be rather peaceful. my thoughts were scattered and my body is sore, but 2 people managed to care for 13 needy individuals and laugh while they were at it. i learned a lot about cooperation, pacing myself, and the presence of God in stressful times. and now? i'm going to sleep! :) g'night...

carrie

long time no see...

well, hello again!

life has been so full, that i haven't taken the time to blog. of course, i kick myself for this, because when life is full, that's when the most interesting and blog-worthy things are happening! i can't possibly fill you in on everything now...

here's a quick thought: i caught a commercial at work the other day that really got to me. it was an advertisement for a snack bar, trying to convince people that they should fight the temptation to eat a full meal by eating their product instead. ugh! it is terribly sad to me that so many people today are being sold "healthy" foods that have absolutely nothing to do with a natural, whole food diet. a person's body will be much happier sustaining on simple meals than on quick, overly processed, sugar loaded, cereal bars. sigh...

let's see... the year that i have spent in north dakota has been full of blessings. i have met many wonderful people, overcome struggles of my faith, learned to find contentment in uncomfortable situations, and more. but i have been consistently looking forward to the day when i could finally leave, and i believe that day has come! on may 23rd, i will be starting massage school in arizona. i have many family and friends in the area, and i plan on beginning the process of doula certification as well.

rather than head straight to tempe (arizona), i will take a train to seattle and visit with some old friends. at this point, the plan is to catch a ride from washington to oregon and visit with friends there as well. and, get this! a dear friend of mine just called from hawaii, and she was worried because she has a truck in oregon and didn't know what to do with it. when i mentioned that i may be passing through there, she asked if i would be interested in picking it up for her. would i ever?! i was just praying that God would provide a way for me to have transportation in arizona. He works in amazing ways...

i have been spending a lot of time lately thinking about the history of Christianity. through my surfing on the internet, i met a young man attending a greek orthodox seminary, and our conversations really provoked me to look deeper into the foundation of my faith. it has been very challenging and very rewarding. there are still many questions left unanswered, but i am excited at the prospect of the Christian journey i am on. there are so many amazing Truths to be discovered!

another challenge in my life has been time management. there are so many passions and interests that i have! spending time with individuals who have disabilities; reaching out to lonely and struggling youth; helping burdened families; making and enjoying art of many forms (music and more); learning about various denominations and religions, languages, and cultures in order to connect with diverse groups of people and individuals; studying apologetics in order to be better grounded and a stronger witness of my faith; supporting women in pregnancy and labor; staying in touch with all of the people i have met through my years of travel; befriending and ministering to people who have had negative spiritual experiences; learning to be a better steward of my body and the earth we have to live on -- the list goes on and on. i haven't yet discovered how to use my time most wisely, with the most profit to others, myself, and to the highgest glory of God.

the greatest lesson that i have been learning lately is not to trust in others or myself for all the strength and answers that i feel i need. God is my strength! He holds all the answers! my biggest job is to trust Him, lean on Him, seek Him, love Him, be faithful to Him... through poor choices, i have often made this a difficult path, but the more i get a hold of these things, the more peace i have (in good times and bad).

well, i will leave it at this for now. maybe i can get myself back on here more often. this blog does, after all, help me with a few of those interests that i listed above (at the very least, the keeping in touch with loved ones part).

g'night! shalom! kali nichta! buenas noches! guten tagen?

carrie

happy holidays?

just last week i was feeling really down. as people all around me were preparing for the upcoming Christmas season, i was thinking of my personal struggles and people across the world who will not be having a merry christmas. thankfully for me, i have a wonderful support network and found myself feeling chipper and up to speed again quickly. today i have helped to decorate our church, made my apartment a little more festive, worked on some errands, and hummed carols while giving thanks for all of the provisions God makes for me. my friends and family have been amazing!

but in the midst of my joy, i was reminded that there are still many others who don't have these blessings - who are separated from family and friends (if they have any at all) - who don't have all the food, clothing, and shelter they need... i tend to think about these things all year round, but the sadness is greatly magnified when i see the celebration and abundance around me during the holidays.

these things don't steal my joy. i'm still thankful for all that i have. i believe that each and every one of us have hope and something to be thankful for. so i pray for those who are struggling, and have hope for them just as i do for myself when going through hard times.

my mom asked me recently what i wanted for christmas. after thinking for a little bit, i was able to come up with a few small things i would enjoy, but there is nothing that i really need (or won't be able to buy for myself soon). my life needs right now are bigger than any christmas present (school, rent, a better car, etcetera). i got back to her and let her know that the best christmas present i could think of was for others to volunteer time and/or money to an organization or person in need. i would get so much more out of that!

peace and joy!! patience and endurance!! love and mercy!!

northern lights!

amazing things have been happening lately!

most recently, i saw the northern lights for the first time in my life! it is almost impossible to describe their brilliance. i stood with my jaw dropped open and tears in my eyes, unable to speak, for quite a while. colors and shadows and sparkles danced in radiant patterns across the sky! some were in streaks, others moved up and down like a wave of twirling ribbons, shooting stars broke through the middle of the rhythm... people do drugs to see these types of things. i know. i tried once and it turned out to be THE WORST night of my entire 28 years of life. that was 10 years ago, and i have learned since that the most amazing experiences happen from real and sober life!

days before i saw the beauty of the northern lights, i was able to catch up on my school-work and have been getting A's in it all! yeah! i think i may get a good grade in this class after all. :)

a couple of weeks ago, i attended a conference through my church that took my spiritual experience to a new level. for two days, we focused on the Bible and how to translate meaningful passages into real life situations. by the end of our time together, i felt a confidence, joy, peace, and zeal that i hadn't felt in a long time. i was even brave enough to offer to sing a meaningful song in front of the entire group that tied into our lesson. when i was finished, people applauded my effort and asked if i would sing the song again at the next church service. after i shared the song at church, a member approached me to ask if i would record the song for him to take home with him, and a number of people complimented my singing! after i listened to the recording, i was surprised at how calm and in-tune i sounded. the word many used to describe the presentation was "pure".

this is incredible to me because i have struggled with stage-fright for as long as i can remember. there are times when i am alone that i am able to find my creative strength and produce incredible works of art (in song, in prose, in crafts, or otherwise), but usually i am held back by fear of failure and unacceptance. i praise God that He has helped me to remember that my focus should be on Him, on love, and should spring from the depths of my heart - not from a focus on myself and an attempt to perfectly please others. when i am controled by fear, even hours of practice can not help my efforts to turn out well. i shake and tremble and make mistakes in every attempt. but even amateur and imperfect works can be beautiful when presented with passion! and now that i have rediscovered my zeal and found more of an ability to control it, i find myself growing in my ability and talent - praise God!! :)

the conference allowed me to relax in my quest to build my relationship with God and with my dad. i understand so much more about the need to respect, trust, and look to both in different ways. i want to spend a lot more time appreciating Jesus and learning from Him - just as i do the 'papa' that i have here on earth while i am alive. :)

will and grace!

i'm having trouble sleeping lately, but it's been a blessing cuz i've been inspired to pray. before this i wasn't making time for prayer and was really frustrated because i know it's important to me. well, anyway, this lack of sleep has been an answer to that problem. i've been praying more and i don't feel exhausted because of it- i have enough energy to get through the day!

and guess what... it's 1:15 in the morning and i just realized what the 'will and grace' dream was about! picture this: here i am lying in bed, silently praying (i never pray out loud - partially because i lack confidence) and i feel inspired to use my voice. i hesitate because i don't like listening to my own prayer, but then i decide to repeat what i had just been saying to myself. "God, please grant me your will and grace." my eyes shot open! i sat up in bed! i knew this must be connected to the dream, but i didn't know how yet.

so i thanked God, then asked Him to show me. immediately, i remembered a passage that i read in "the heavenly man". brother yun (who wrote the book) said that he learned to be willing to do great things for the Name of God, AND to be willing to be a 'nobody' for God. he explained that the most important part is to love God and others unconditionally, not worrying about how or when, how much others noticed, or how big a part he played in changing things for the better. reading this is part of what inspired me to want to view life the same way (without fear or selfish expectations).

wow! in the 'will and grace' dream (which i had long before i read the book), i was told that i would get to be in their tv show. what a great thing! i'd be doing something big and people would notice! it would be challening and fun! when the plans changed, i pouted. how come i did't get the chance to exercise my acting skills and get 15 minutes of fame?! but then... will came to talk to me, i was comforted, and i realized i was happy to have the wonderful opportunity of just sharing friendship with him.

this is really encouraging to me. now i feel even more prepared to walk forward in life, trusting that i will find God's "will and grace", joy, strength, and peace no matter where i am or what i end up doing. no matter how difficult or mundane it is, i can enjoy life. (oh Lord help me, that doesn't sound easy!)

:)

"i'm a big kid now"

ok, ok... so i'm singing the song for a diaper ad. it's a catchy little tune and it gets in my head every once in a while. i kind of appreciate the meaning it holds for me tonight though.

instead of feeling that i need everything in my life figured out... instead of fearing what the future might hold for me... instead of worrying too much about my past and my weaknesses... i am learning to trust God like a child. i'm learning to enjoy life one day at a time. i feel more peace and fulfillment. of course, this doesn't mean my struggles are over - no way! but lately i've been trying to remember how to rest as a child of God, and i feel that i'm catching on - again. hopefully, i've gained more maturity about my simplistic, trusting views this time around. "i'm a big kid now!" :)

i just came from a wonderful conference at the lutheran church i've been going to. i spent a couple of days chatting with some really zealous people and i am so inspired! i've also been reading a book called "the heavenly man" about a man who suffered greatly for the Word of God in china. of course, i have no idea what is in store for my future, but i do know that i want to be willing to go anywhere and do anything if it will make a difference for the hearts and souls of others. i want to be open to whatever i feel God puts in my head and heart to do. i've had fears and reservations in the past, but i am feeling strengthened! i may end up living a peaceful life in the cities of north america, or i may go on a medical mission to africa and catch malaria, or... God only knows. the possibilities are endless and exciting.

so, if prayer is your thing and God puts it on your heart, i'd love a little extra support in this. my main focus is to continue seeking confidence, motivation, and great love in my life! i can see these things growing even now. :)

another late night...

since i started working straight PM shifts, i haven't been coming home until 10:30 at night, hungry and wired. lately, i find myself wearily crawling into bed at 3 in the morning. it's not like i've accomplished a lot in these hours. i tend to be in a fog - having lots of thought, but not quite the energy and ambition to do much about it. i usually end up surfing the internet (posting a blog) and getting a little light house cleaning done.

i've prayed about this and received encouragement from friends, so i've decided that, by golly, things must change! i plan on trying to get to bed by midnight so i can enjoy my mornings again. it's such a beautiful time of day. the world is waking up, the birds are singing, the sun has just dawned... i don't want to sleep through it any more. now that i've planned to be motivated again, i have lots of ideas. i'll do my homework early and even go to the gym before i have to be at work in the afternoon! speaking of which, i have 2 minutes to get the lights out! g'night!

bimbo?! (a long post)

one of my closest friends used to call me "baby bim", "bim", or "b" when she really wanted to get my goat (where did a phrase like, "get my goat" come from anyway?)...

she was poking fun at my tendency to be forgetful and slip in the area of common sense at times. after a few short months of this teasing, i was near tears every time i heard the words. when my dear friend, who i will affectionately refer to as monkey :), realized the depth of my frustration, she swore to never use those nick-names again.

the problem wasn't so much that i didn't want to be made fun of. we make light of each other's nuances to this day (right, monkey?). unfortunately, i was really threatened with the idea that she might be right in this case...

i never really thought that i was dumb or incapable - but if not, then why did (do) i constantly make little mistakes and feel that i am unable to keep up with others? i LOVE to learn. i study, and study, and study. i'm interested in SO many issues. i follow religion, politics, art, home-making, gardening, science, politics, history, and much more. i find that i can thoroughly enjoy intellectual conversations, books, and movies. it seems to take me an incredible amount of time to digest any given topic though, and once i finally have it down... i promptly forget everything i just learned. my memory may be jogged if someone were to offer cues or reiterate the information to me, but i would be hard pressed to recall it on my own.

i had a conversation with my dad about this sensitive issue, and thankfully he helped me to understand my uniqueness. for a long time, i wasn't close to my dad, but we have come to know eachother quite well over the last year. he has seen both my strengths and weaknesses and he explained my learning capabilities like this:

i am so eager to learn and understand, that i will not settle for a simple explanation. when presented with a fact, i must dissect the information and ask as many questions as i can until i grasp the concept in its entirety. i become so excited about my new-found knowledge, that i am motivated to move on to the next subject and learn as much as i can from it as well. over a period of time, i have soaked in so much information that i can no longer remember what it was i found at the beginning of the journey. this would never stop me though - i simply jump into another area of interest and keep going.

my dad believes that many "great minds" operate this way. i certainly wouldn't call myself a genious, and neither would anyone else i know :), but i do appreciate his view. he says that it is impossible to remember everything there is to know. but if you can understand it at one point in time, and know how to find that information again if ever you need it, then you have accomplished a great task.

this never-ending focus on the great things of life means i sometimes overlook the littlest things (like where i set my keys or the fact that i have to be somewhere in 5 minutes), but i manage to get by, and i'm working on the little things every day. unfortunately, the homework assignment due last week still isn't done - there's just too many wonderful things to learn from it!!

as far as monkey goes, she can call me "bim". i'm confident that i'll continue to make my little mistakes (like remembering to bring the food on our picnic, while leaving the silverware at home), but if she ever needs someone to explain the history of christianity for her, i have access to that info! besides, there's an exception to this rule. i seem to be able to retain a great amount of info as long as i use it frequently. daily. if i'm focusing on many things in life, i may forget some of the small details, but my memory is quickly refreshed!

well, i'm off to discover the source of the phrase "get my goat"... good night!! :)

dreams...

last night i had a couple of clear and vivid dreams. i can't seem to gleam any instruction from them, but they are sticking with me. have you ever woke up and felt that the dreams you just had are the theme for your day? that's how i feel. these dreams are really nagging at me , yet when i examine them, they seem SO unimportant... i don't want to go into all the details, but here's a bit about 'em:

1) ron howard and some of his famous look-alikes come to the Developmental Center, where i work, to talk. they're on stage, but everyone in the audience looks like they'd only be happy if there was a hip-hop, gangsta' rap show in front of them (one pant leg rolled up, tattooed, sideways baseball cap, bling-bling, you name it). i don't get to see the show cuz i've got tons of paper-work to do. i work too late and almost miss sending ron howard off. i have to stay and get all the cleaning done, but my boss isn't pleased when she sees how long it will take.

2) "Will and Grace" come to my house to visit. while there, they realize that they won't have enough time to get back to the studio for the next filming, so they ask if they can film in my families house, using us as actors. i'm nervous, but as the camera starts rolling, i find myself having fun. just as i'm really getting into it, "Will" finds out they're going to use the studio after all and won't be needing us. i'm completely let down and go to my room to sulk. "Will" comes to comfort me and we become good friends.

see what i mean? strange, strange, strange. both focus on t.v. characters, and i don't even OWN a television - i don't like most programming. :)

my online profiles

you can view my profiles at the following sites. you'll need a (free) account with either one if you want access to the site:

http://www.care2.com/ - (under the name "kargelc") a site for various environmental, social, and animal causes.

http://www.true.com/ - (under the name "niytzcha") an online dating site. kinda funny since i'm not into dating - see the previous blog post for more info on that. i thought it was worth it. :)

UPDATED on 3/21/05 :
i no longer have a profile at true.com or any other "dating" site. i did enjoy trying to answer all the questions in the profiles. i learned a lot about myself and i met a few interesting people (who, like me, are not interested in dating). but i had to deal with too much carnality. i was contacted by men who did not understand my desire to avoid flirting. and, though i didn't want to, i began to see that i was trying in my own efforts to search for and find a good match for myself. signing up is not an experience i regret, but niether is it something i want to be a part of anymore.