Aibonito Update #1

For those who missed it: I faced the most difficult emotions of the last 5 years just last week. I felt unable to discern direction from God, and it seemed my choices always left me feeling like more of a burden to the world than a help. That is terrible for someone whose greatest joy is to serve God and others.

I was contemplating leaving Puerto Rico (if not leaving Earth), but didn’t know what the smartest decisions would be. On my way to a friend’s house in the south of the island, I made a wrong turn and ended up in Aibonito (the highest mountain area of PR). I drove past a Mennonite Church, where a man with a guitar was walking in the front door, wondered if maybe my “wrong” turn was actually a divine and calculated response to recent prayers, and stopped (just in case).

It turns out that Mennonite Disaster Services can greatly use my help, there is a place for me to stay here, AND this is the center for the Mennonite hospital, which includes many physical and mental health specialists. I already have appointments set to meet new doctors this week.

I helped with a wedding my first day here (set-up, tear down, serving, cleaning, and entertaining children).

The plan this week is to help a class of 4 to 5 year olds during a rehabilitation program for children who have been through disasters. It was a profound day from the beginning, as these little minds expressed their concern that a hurricane might hit us again today. We explained it was just supposed to rain after all, and that we were in a safe/prepared place. We sang worship songs, made art, ate food, and watched a short play.

My head hurts from trying to understand and speak Spanish all day long. I still have a lot to learn, but it’s a joy, and the people around me seem very patient.

I haven’t moved all my stuff from the car into this new place yet. I’m not positive this is FOR SURE where I should stay, but it’s a strong possibility. I’ll take the next week to pray and see how things go.

Journey Update

I made it to a doctor's appointment today to get my psych prescriptions refilled, then picked up a referral to a urologist (in case I find a way to stay in Puerto Rico).

For now, I continue to look for either (A) a place near my doctor's offices in San Juan to sleep, while getting back on my feet, so I can volunteer more, or (B) a residential treatment center in the United States to live in while trying to cope with the overwhelming sense that I am a burden and harm to the world because I can't seem to discern, love, follow, and share God's Voice.

Last night was my last night in Miramar.

I will couch hop until Thursday, when I attempt to finalize paperwork for the used car I bought recently. By this weekend (depending on what happens between now and then), I will either be living in a new location on the island, trying to sell my car so I can leave the island, or simply leaving my car here while I return the mainland.

I am making the effort to praise God, despite feeling that my fears and failures are squeezing the life out of me. I am letting doubt, anxiety, confusion, and hopelessness know their presence is acknowledged, but unwelcome. I continue to hope for the miracle of grace, wisdom, strength, peace, and mercy in my life - despite feeling unworthy and incapable of fully embracing these gifts from God (the way I need and want to). I refuse to be like Job's wife - cursing God because of hardship. I believe God is good, whether or not I am.