happy holidays?

just last week i was feeling really down. as people all around me were preparing for the upcoming Christmas season, i was thinking of my personal struggles and people across the world who will not be having a merry christmas. thankfully for me, i have a wonderful support network and found myself feeling chipper and up to speed again quickly. today i have helped to decorate our church, made my apartment a little more festive, worked on some errands, and hummed carols while giving thanks for all of the provisions God makes for me. my friends and family have been amazing!

but in the midst of my joy, i was reminded that there are still many others who don't have these blessings - who are separated from family and friends (if they have any at all) - who don't have all the food, clothing, and shelter they need... i tend to think about these things all year round, but the sadness is greatly magnified when i see the celebration and abundance around me during the holidays.

these things don't steal my joy. i'm still thankful for all that i have. i believe that each and every one of us have hope and something to be thankful for. so i pray for those who are struggling, and have hope for them just as i do for myself when going through hard times.

my mom asked me recently what i wanted for christmas. after thinking for a little bit, i was able to come up with a few small things i would enjoy, but there is nothing that i really need (or won't be able to buy for myself soon). my life needs right now are bigger than any christmas present (school, rent, a better car, etcetera). i got back to her and let her know that the best christmas present i could think of was for others to volunteer time and/or money to an organization or person in need. i would get so much more out of that!

peace and joy!! patience and endurance!! love and mercy!!

northern lights!

amazing things have been happening lately!

most recently, i saw the northern lights for the first time in my life! it is almost impossible to describe their brilliance. i stood with my jaw dropped open and tears in my eyes, unable to speak, for quite a while. colors and shadows and sparkles danced in radiant patterns across the sky! some were in streaks, others moved up and down like a wave of twirling ribbons, shooting stars broke through the middle of the rhythm... people do drugs to see these types of things. i know. i tried once and it turned out to be THE WORST night of my entire 28 years of life. that was 10 years ago, and i have learned since that the most amazing experiences happen from real and sober life!

days before i saw the beauty of the northern lights, i was able to catch up on my school-work and have been getting A's in it all! yeah! i think i may get a good grade in this class after all. :)

a couple of weeks ago, i attended a conference through my church that took my spiritual experience to a new level. for two days, we focused on the Bible and how to translate meaningful passages into real life situations. by the end of our time together, i felt a confidence, joy, peace, and zeal that i hadn't felt in a long time. i was even brave enough to offer to sing a meaningful song in front of the entire group that tied into our lesson. when i was finished, people applauded my effort and asked if i would sing the song again at the next church service. after i shared the song at church, a member approached me to ask if i would record the song for him to take home with him, and a number of people complimented my singing! after i listened to the recording, i was surprised at how calm and in-tune i sounded. the word many used to describe the presentation was "pure".

this is incredible to me because i have struggled with stage-fright for as long as i can remember. there are times when i am alone that i am able to find my creative strength and produce incredible works of art (in song, in prose, in crafts, or otherwise), but usually i am held back by fear of failure and unacceptance. i praise God that He has helped me to remember that my focus should be on Him, on love, and should spring from the depths of my heart - not from a focus on myself and an attempt to perfectly please others. when i am controled by fear, even hours of practice can not help my efforts to turn out well. i shake and tremble and make mistakes in every attempt. but even amateur and imperfect works can be beautiful when presented with passion! and now that i have rediscovered my zeal and found more of an ability to control it, i find myself growing in my ability and talent - praise God!! :)

the conference allowed me to relax in my quest to build my relationship with God and with my dad. i understand so much more about the need to respect, trust, and look to both in different ways. i want to spend a lot more time appreciating Jesus and learning from Him - just as i do the 'papa' that i have here on earth while i am alive. :)

will and grace!

i'm having trouble sleeping lately, but it's been a blessing cuz i've been inspired to pray. before this i wasn't making time for prayer and was really frustrated because i know it's important to me. well, anyway, this lack of sleep has been an answer to that problem. i've been praying more and i don't feel exhausted because of it- i have enough energy to get through the day!

and guess what... it's 1:15 in the morning and i just realized what the 'will and grace' dream was about! picture this: here i am lying in bed, silently praying (i never pray out loud - partially because i lack confidence) and i feel inspired to use my voice. i hesitate because i don't like listening to my own prayer, but then i decide to repeat what i had just been saying to myself. "God, please grant me your will and grace." my eyes shot open! i sat up in bed! i knew this must be connected to the dream, but i didn't know how yet.

so i thanked God, then asked Him to show me. immediately, i remembered a passage that i read in "the heavenly man". brother yun (who wrote the book) said that he learned to be willing to do great things for the Name of God, AND to be willing to be a 'nobody' for God. he explained that the most important part is to love God and others unconditionally, not worrying about how or when, how much others noticed, or how big a part he played in changing things for the better. reading this is part of what inspired me to want to view life the same way (without fear or selfish expectations).

wow! in the 'will and grace' dream (which i had long before i read the book), i was told that i would get to be in their tv show. what a great thing! i'd be doing something big and people would notice! it would be challening and fun! when the plans changed, i pouted. how come i did't get the chance to exercise my acting skills and get 15 minutes of fame?! but then... will came to talk to me, i was comforted, and i realized i was happy to have the wonderful opportunity of just sharing friendship with him.

this is really encouraging to me. now i feel even more prepared to walk forward in life, trusting that i will find God's "will and grace", joy, strength, and peace no matter where i am or what i end up doing. no matter how difficult or mundane it is, i can enjoy life. (oh Lord help me, that doesn't sound easy!)

:)

"i'm a big kid now"

ok, ok... so i'm singing the song for a diaper ad. it's a catchy little tune and it gets in my head every once in a while. i kind of appreciate the meaning it holds for me tonight though.

instead of feeling that i need everything in my life figured out... instead of fearing what the future might hold for me... instead of worrying too much about my past and my weaknesses... i am learning to trust God like a child. i'm learning to enjoy life one day at a time. i feel more peace and fulfillment. of course, this doesn't mean my struggles are over - no way! but lately i've been trying to remember how to rest as a child of God, and i feel that i'm catching on - again. hopefully, i've gained more maturity about my simplistic, trusting views this time around. "i'm a big kid now!" :)

i just came from a wonderful conference at the lutheran church i've been going to. i spent a couple of days chatting with some really zealous people and i am so inspired! i've also been reading a book called "the heavenly man" about a man who suffered greatly for the Word of God in china. of course, i have no idea what is in store for my future, but i do know that i want to be willing to go anywhere and do anything if it will make a difference for the hearts and souls of others. i want to be open to whatever i feel God puts in my head and heart to do. i've had fears and reservations in the past, but i am feeling strengthened! i may end up living a peaceful life in the cities of north america, or i may go on a medical mission to africa and catch malaria, or... God only knows. the possibilities are endless and exciting.

so, if prayer is your thing and God puts it on your heart, i'd love a little extra support in this. my main focus is to continue seeking confidence, motivation, and great love in my life! i can see these things growing even now. :)

another late night...

since i started working straight PM shifts, i haven't been coming home until 10:30 at night, hungry and wired. lately, i find myself wearily crawling into bed at 3 in the morning. it's not like i've accomplished a lot in these hours. i tend to be in a fog - having lots of thought, but not quite the energy and ambition to do much about it. i usually end up surfing the internet (posting a blog) and getting a little light house cleaning done.

i've prayed about this and received encouragement from friends, so i've decided that, by golly, things must change! i plan on trying to get to bed by midnight so i can enjoy my mornings again. it's such a beautiful time of day. the world is waking up, the birds are singing, the sun has just dawned... i don't want to sleep through it any more. now that i've planned to be motivated again, i have lots of ideas. i'll do my homework early and even go to the gym before i have to be at work in the afternoon! speaking of which, i have 2 minutes to get the lights out! g'night!

bimbo?! (a long post)

one of my closest friends used to call me "baby bim", "bim", or "b" when she really wanted to get my goat (where did a phrase like, "get my goat" come from anyway?)...

she was poking fun at my tendency to be forgetful and slip in the area of common sense at times. after a few short months of this teasing, i was near tears every time i heard the words. when my dear friend, who i will affectionately refer to as monkey :), realized the depth of my frustration, she swore to never use those nick-names again.

the problem wasn't so much that i didn't want to be made fun of. we make light of each other's nuances to this day (right, monkey?). unfortunately, i was really threatened with the idea that she might be right in this case...

i never really thought that i was dumb or incapable - but if not, then why did (do) i constantly make little mistakes and feel that i am unable to keep up with others? i LOVE to learn. i study, and study, and study. i'm interested in SO many issues. i follow religion, politics, art, home-making, gardening, science, politics, history, and much more. i find that i can thoroughly enjoy intellectual conversations, books, and movies. it seems to take me an incredible amount of time to digest any given topic though, and once i finally have it down... i promptly forget everything i just learned. my memory may be jogged if someone were to offer cues or reiterate the information to me, but i would be hard pressed to recall it on my own.

i had a conversation with my dad about this sensitive issue, and thankfully he helped me to understand my uniqueness. for a long time, i wasn't close to my dad, but we have come to know eachother quite well over the last year. he has seen both my strengths and weaknesses and he explained my learning capabilities like this:

i am so eager to learn and understand, that i will not settle for a simple explanation. when presented with a fact, i must dissect the information and ask as many questions as i can until i grasp the concept in its entirety. i become so excited about my new-found knowledge, that i am motivated to move on to the next subject and learn as much as i can from it as well. over a period of time, i have soaked in so much information that i can no longer remember what it was i found at the beginning of the journey. this would never stop me though - i simply jump into another area of interest and keep going.

my dad believes that many "great minds" operate this way. i certainly wouldn't call myself a genious, and neither would anyone else i know :), but i do appreciate his view. he says that it is impossible to remember everything there is to know. but if you can understand it at one point in time, and know how to find that information again if ever you need it, then you have accomplished a great task.

this never-ending focus on the great things of life means i sometimes overlook the littlest things (like where i set my keys or the fact that i have to be somewhere in 5 minutes), but i manage to get by, and i'm working on the little things every day. unfortunately, the homework assignment due last week still isn't done - there's just too many wonderful things to learn from it!!

as far as monkey goes, she can call me "bim". i'm confident that i'll continue to make my little mistakes (like remembering to bring the food on our picnic, while leaving the silverware at home), but if she ever needs someone to explain the history of christianity for her, i have access to that info! besides, there's an exception to this rule. i seem to be able to retain a great amount of info as long as i use it frequently. daily. if i'm focusing on many things in life, i may forget some of the small details, but my memory is quickly refreshed!

well, i'm off to discover the source of the phrase "get my goat"... good night!! :)

dreams...

last night i had a couple of clear and vivid dreams. i can't seem to gleam any instruction from them, but they are sticking with me. have you ever woke up and felt that the dreams you just had are the theme for your day? that's how i feel. these dreams are really nagging at me , yet when i examine them, they seem SO unimportant... i don't want to go into all the details, but here's a bit about 'em:

1) ron howard and some of his famous look-alikes come to the Developmental Center, where i work, to talk. they're on stage, but everyone in the audience looks like they'd only be happy if there was a hip-hop, gangsta' rap show in front of them (one pant leg rolled up, tattooed, sideways baseball cap, bling-bling, you name it). i don't get to see the show cuz i've got tons of paper-work to do. i work too late and almost miss sending ron howard off. i have to stay and get all the cleaning done, but my boss isn't pleased when she sees how long it will take.

2) "Will and Grace" come to my house to visit. while there, they realize that they won't have enough time to get back to the studio for the next filming, so they ask if they can film in my families house, using us as actors. i'm nervous, but as the camera starts rolling, i find myself having fun. just as i'm really getting into it, "Will" finds out they're going to use the studio after all and won't be needing us. i'm completely let down and go to my room to sulk. "Will" comes to comfort me and we become good friends.

see what i mean? strange, strange, strange. both focus on t.v. characters, and i don't even OWN a television - i don't like most programming. :)

my online profiles

you can view my profiles at the following sites. you'll need a (free) account with either one if you want access to the site:

http://www.care2.com/ - (under the name "kargelc") a site for various environmental, social, and animal causes.

http://www.true.com/ - (under the name "niytzcha") an online dating site. kinda funny since i'm not into dating - see the previous blog post for more info on that. i thought it was worth it. :)

UPDATED on 3/21/05 :
i no longer have a profile at true.com or any other "dating" site. i did enjoy trying to answer all the questions in the profiles. i learned a lot about myself and i met a few interesting people (who, like me, are not interested in dating). but i had to deal with too much carnality. i was contacted by men who did not understand my desire to avoid flirting. and, though i didn't want to, i began to see that i was trying in my own efforts to search for and find a good match for myself. signing up is not an experience i regret, but niether is it something i want to be a part of anymore.

welcome here!

for those who are a not quite computer literate, "blog" is a shortened form of "web log". i just learned this myself the other day. i had another website going, but it's not longer accessible, so i started this one as an attempt to share more w/friends & family across the country.

motivation has not been my strength lately. i'm still working on a paper today that was due in school last thursday. i had an incredible & edifying time at Bethel Free Lutheran Church this morning though, so the day has been more than full!

when i first started attending this church, i didn't think i'd last very long. i was turned off by the traditional form (get dressed up, memorize a creed and certain patterned songs, stand up, sit down, etcetera). but every time this preacher speaks - wow! i've really felt a strong leading to continue with this fellowship. i really appreciate some of the friendships i've made so far and i think God has plans to bless my time here even more in the future.

just for kicks recently, i filled out a couple of online profiles. using these forms was a fun and educational way to explore the views i hold of myself, the world, and others. :) for one of them i was supposed to come up with clear ideas on what i'd look for in a spouse and what i could have to offer that person. it was a challenge! i don't think i'll get a lot of responses from interested people. my statements mostly showed that i don't care for dating and flirting. :) that's ok by me - i'm trusting God to guide my life (not a web-site).

welp, i suppose that should be it for now! i've gotta keep working on my paper. it's back to studying the devastating consequences of US foreign policy for me.

laila tov!