northern lights!

amazing things have been happening lately!

most recently, i saw the northern lights for the first time in my life! it is almost impossible to describe their brilliance. i stood with my jaw dropped open and tears in my eyes, unable to speak, for quite a while. colors and shadows and sparkles danced in radiant patterns across the sky! some were in streaks, others moved up and down like a wave of twirling ribbons, shooting stars broke through the middle of the rhythm... people do drugs to see these types of things. i know. i tried once and it turned out to be THE WORST night of my entire 28 years of life. that was 10 years ago, and i have learned since that the most amazing experiences happen from real and sober life!

days before i saw the beauty of the northern lights, i was able to catch up on my school-work and have been getting A's in it all! yeah! i think i may get a good grade in this class after all. :)

a couple of weeks ago, i attended a conference through my church that took my spiritual experience to a new level. for two days, we focused on the Bible and how to translate meaningful passages into real life situations. by the end of our time together, i felt a confidence, joy, peace, and zeal that i hadn't felt in a long time. i was even brave enough to offer to sing a meaningful song in front of the entire group that tied into our lesson. when i was finished, people applauded my effort and asked if i would sing the song again at the next church service. after i shared the song at church, a member approached me to ask if i would record the song for him to take home with him, and a number of people complimented my singing! after i listened to the recording, i was surprised at how calm and in-tune i sounded. the word many used to describe the presentation was "pure".

this is incredible to me because i have struggled with stage-fright for as long as i can remember. there are times when i am alone that i am able to find my creative strength and produce incredible works of art (in song, in prose, in crafts, or otherwise), but usually i am held back by fear of failure and unacceptance. i praise God that He has helped me to remember that my focus should be on Him, on love, and should spring from the depths of my heart - not from a focus on myself and an attempt to perfectly please others. when i am controled by fear, even hours of practice can not help my efforts to turn out well. i shake and tremble and make mistakes in every attempt. but even amateur and imperfect works can be beautiful when presented with passion! and now that i have rediscovered my zeal and found more of an ability to control it, i find myself growing in my ability and talent - praise God!! :)

the conference allowed me to relax in my quest to build my relationship with God and with my dad. i understand so much more about the need to respect, trust, and look to both in different ways. i want to spend a lot more time appreciating Jesus and learning from Him - just as i do the 'papa' that i have here on earth while i am alive. :)

will and grace!

i'm having trouble sleeping lately, but it's been a blessing cuz i've been inspired to pray. before this i wasn't making time for prayer and was really frustrated because i know it's important to me. well, anyway, this lack of sleep has been an answer to that problem. i've been praying more and i don't feel exhausted because of it- i have enough energy to get through the day!

and guess what... it's 1:15 in the morning and i just realized what the 'will and grace' dream was about! picture this: here i am lying in bed, silently praying (i never pray out loud - partially because i lack confidence) and i feel inspired to use my voice. i hesitate because i don't like listening to my own prayer, but then i decide to repeat what i had just been saying to myself. "God, please grant me your will and grace." my eyes shot open! i sat up in bed! i knew this must be connected to the dream, but i didn't know how yet.

so i thanked God, then asked Him to show me. immediately, i remembered a passage that i read in "the heavenly man". brother yun (who wrote the book) said that he learned to be willing to do great things for the Name of God, AND to be willing to be a 'nobody' for God. he explained that the most important part is to love God and others unconditionally, not worrying about how or when, how much others noticed, or how big a part he played in changing things for the better. reading this is part of what inspired me to want to view life the same way (without fear or selfish expectations).

wow! in the 'will and grace' dream (which i had long before i read the book), i was told that i would get to be in their tv show. what a great thing! i'd be doing something big and people would notice! it would be challening and fun! when the plans changed, i pouted. how come i did't get the chance to exercise my acting skills and get 15 minutes of fame?! but then... will came to talk to me, i was comforted, and i realized i was happy to have the wonderful opportunity of just sharing friendship with him.

this is really encouraging to me. now i feel even more prepared to walk forward in life, trusting that i will find God's "will and grace", joy, strength, and peace no matter where i am or what i end up doing. no matter how difficult or mundane it is, i can enjoy life. (oh Lord help me, that doesn't sound easy!)

:)

"i'm a big kid now"

ok, ok... so i'm singing the song for a diaper ad. it's a catchy little tune and it gets in my head every once in a while. i kind of appreciate the meaning it holds for me tonight though.

instead of feeling that i need everything in my life figured out... instead of fearing what the future might hold for me... instead of worrying too much about my past and my weaknesses... i am learning to trust God like a child. i'm learning to enjoy life one day at a time. i feel more peace and fulfillment. of course, this doesn't mean my struggles are over - no way! but lately i've been trying to remember how to rest as a child of God, and i feel that i'm catching on - again. hopefully, i've gained more maturity about my simplistic, trusting views this time around. "i'm a big kid now!" :)

i just came from a wonderful conference at the lutheran church i've been going to. i spent a couple of days chatting with some really zealous people and i am so inspired! i've also been reading a book called "the heavenly man" about a man who suffered greatly for the Word of God in china. of course, i have no idea what is in store for my future, but i do know that i want to be willing to go anywhere and do anything if it will make a difference for the hearts and souls of others. i want to be open to whatever i feel God puts in my head and heart to do. i've had fears and reservations in the past, but i am feeling strengthened! i may end up living a peaceful life in the cities of north america, or i may go on a medical mission to africa and catch malaria, or... God only knows. the possibilities are endless and exciting.

so, if prayer is your thing and God puts it on your heart, i'd love a little extra support in this. my main focus is to continue seeking confidence, motivation, and great love in my life! i can see these things growing even now. :)

another late night...

since i started working straight PM shifts, i haven't been coming home until 10:30 at night, hungry and wired. lately, i find myself wearily crawling into bed at 3 in the morning. it's not like i've accomplished a lot in these hours. i tend to be in a fog - having lots of thought, but not quite the energy and ambition to do much about it. i usually end up surfing the internet (posting a blog) and getting a little light house cleaning done.

i've prayed about this and received encouragement from friends, so i've decided that, by golly, things must change! i plan on trying to get to bed by midnight so i can enjoy my mornings again. it's such a beautiful time of day. the world is waking up, the birds are singing, the sun has just dawned... i don't want to sleep through it any more. now that i've planned to be motivated again, i have lots of ideas. i'll do my homework early and even go to the gym before i have to be at work in the afternoon! speaking of which, i have 2 minutes to get the lights out! g'night!