My Journey to (and from?) Puerto Rico

I've spent much of my life moving around, physically, and spiritually.

1976 I was born in North Dakota, moved immediately to Spain, then Maine, and Arizona (living in a total of 11 places before graduating high school in 1994). Growing up, my closest friends and family were Methodist, Mormon, Catholic, Jehovah's Witness, and 7th Day Adventist. It was confusing, but I was sure faith in God was important.

1995 In the first year after high school I lived in a couple different apartments before moving from Arizona to Seattle.

1996 During my one year in Seattle, I lived in no less than 6 locations, then took off to travel the United States for about 5 years. Three of those years were with a Christian organization that turned out to be very cult-like. The next two years were a roller coaster ride of rebellion and trying to return to God.

In 2001 I tried to settle down in Seattle, but that led to Hawaii, which led to more traveling and avoiding God.

2002 Ended up in Colorado, battling my demons and reigniting my Christian faith with a house-church and an  Anabaptist fellowship (between at least 4 different locations).

Finally, in late 2003, I landed a stable job in North Dakota and spent time with Catholic, Pentecostal, Holdeman Mennonite, and Lutheran churches. I only lasted a couple of winters before driving back to the Arizona heat in 2005.

2006 I managed to live in 3 different places while completing a year of massage school in the Phoenix area, then moved to Tucson in 2007, had an emotional breakdown , and tried to take my own life in the beginning of 2008. :(

I went back to the Phoenix area for healing before decided to try Tucson again.

Finally!!!
I lived in Tucson, Arizona for almost 4 years, and only moved once!

It was amazing. I loved the feeling of semi-stability and community.

I attended a Greek Orthodox church, and gay/lesbian churches among others.

Yes, traveling is exhilarating and eye opening -- I learned so much about different American cultures and perspectives. I studied as many non-Christian religions as I could - wondering if I had missed something. I talked to atheists, but ended up deciding I was probably agnostic, with a desire to fully believe in the Jesus I personally experienced (if only I didn't have so many doubts). I learned not to worry about things like money and schedules. I was able to help others in exchange for many of my needs being met, BUT traveling can also be exhausting and unpredictable.

Life, where ever you are, involves risk - and I experienced multiple tragedies and assaults. In 2012, the spiritual confusion and many traumas caught up with me. I had a second nervous breakdown and my body got very sick. My digestive system shut down. I developed asthma. Every single joint in my body hurt, and I was suicidal again. I ended up on disability and moved to live with my mom and step-dad in Oklahoma.

I spent 3 years in Oklahoma, working on my health and healing. <3

Part of that time was spent living out of my car (and a tent) to help with tornado relief work.

The drama and corruption of relief work was a bit more than I could handle at times. Between this and a rough break-up, I was suicidal again in 2013. After the 6th inpatient mental health treatment of my life, I realized Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) was working. Suicidal ideation disappeared from my life.

In 2015 I had the privilege of moving to Seattle to help one of my best friends while she recovered from cancer. It was a time of more growth and strengthening. I started making plans to get back to work and stop receiving disability. At the end of 2017 I was praying about what to do next, and where, when I received a call to spend 2 weeks doing hurricane relief work in Puerto Rico with an organization I had volunteered with in Oklahoma.

After 2 weeks in Puerto Rico, I was smitten.

I fell in love with the temperature, the ocean, the people.

I felt strongly that this could be the place for me to get back to full-time work.

The relief group I had reconnected with does incredible work and helps many people! Unfortunately, we didn't always see eye to eye on things. I stood up for ideals that are important to me, and that caused problems. Eventually I was told they were sending me back to the United States.

I felt God had brought me to the island, 
so I chose not to use my return ticket back to the US.

I was sure things would fall into place!

Probably a little too sure.

In my pride, I wanted to prove I could be successful without them.

2018 - I found volunteer work at a hostel, where I lived for a couple months until the party atmosphere became way too intense for me. I started attending a church, where a sweet couple let me stay with them until other arrangements could be made - I told them it would just be a couple of days. I was volunteering here and there with many different individuals and groups, but after months of the typical drama and red-tape within relief work, I was still at a dead end. I would soon need to find another place to live. In Washington, I had been trying to get out of debt. Now my credit card was maxed out again.

After weeks of frustration, I was finally able to sell my old car in Seattle for $4,000 and buy a used 4X4 in Puerto Rico for the same amount. Now I could reach families in remote mountain locations who are still in need of help. Of course, the first time I took my new (used) car in to a mechanic, I was told that it needed thousands of dollars worth of work done before it would truly be reliable.

Two days ago, I thought I had found the answer to my prayers - a free Certified Emergency Response Training (CERT) course with a Christian organization. Not only would I learn the skills, but I would become a certified trainer, so I could offer these skills to others on the island! On the first day, we prayed, worshiped, and studied together. It was great! I was challenged by their more charismatic belief systems, but determined I could learn from them. Besides, I don't judge people for being different than me.

I love living out of a car when I'm traveling. It's like having a tiny home on wheels. Since the classes were 1/2 hour from my temporary home-base, I slept in my car that first night. I didn't want to waste gas money, or risk more wear and tear on the car.

There was more charismatic prayer the next day, and then we covered CPR, but the pain in my joints made it almost impossible for me to pass the class. I felt like a disappointment. Afterwards, I was asked not to sleep in my car near their dorms anymore, for security reasons. I understood completely, but couldn't think of another safe place to park and sleep.

That was it. The straw that broke the camel's back. I thought about every failure. Every person who told me I couldn't make it. I thought about not having a place to live, not having a place to volunteer, and about all my spiritual confusion. I had failed again. I couldn't even provide CPR to a dying person. Maybe others had been right: I'm hopeless and probably going to hell. What made me think I could succeed? I came to a hurting island in order to serve, but instead became a burden. The people here don't need one more person to take care of. What good is a life that is not led by spiritual peace and victory with God? Yesterday, for the first time in 5 years, death seemed like the smartest option.

The wonderful people from the CERT school tried to help get me into a hospital, but there weren't beds available, so I was driven back to San Juan to sleep for the night. No more classes for me.

And today? Today I am listening to inspirational music. Countless people have been praying for me. I have help in searching for housing options. At least one person is sure I need to go back to Oklahoma for more stability and personal healing. Others are sure I still have a purpose here in Puerto Rico. Everyone agrees that I have a purpose somewhere on this Earth. I am at a loss.

I repent for wanting to give up, but also recognize that PTSD and other mental illness symptoms can rear their ugly heads after years of healing, just like physical illness can. It doesn't have to mean my story is over. My prayers feel pretty weak, but I am praying in faith anyway. I shut out the voices that still tell me I'm a hopeless case. I pray for those who have tried to break me. I forgive them. I pray for their spiritual growth and peace, just as I pray for mine. I choose to believe in forgiveness for myself. I choose to believe it is possible for God to love even me. 

Someone recently pointed out to me that Jesus spent 30 years learning and living a human life before He started His travels. The Israelites spent 40 years in the wilderness. I don't know what my mission is. I have ideas about what I want it to be, but clearly I have more to learn and overcome. I'm tired of waiting, but I dare not to complain, whether this is a small bump in the road or a complete u-turn. I am sad and terrified, but I must choose trust and hope. Again.

I thank God for good lessons that come out of difficult situations.

I thank God for the strengths He has given me and pray for grace to use them better.